Man’s Self-Care Routine Absolutely Disgusting

Posted on by Ian Yamamoto

LOS ANGELES — Local man Hugh Bellamy’s self care practice was revealed to be one of the more disgusting things ever heard of in recent history, according to sources who wish they could unsee the mental image formed by the news.

“I live a stressful life. I work two full-time jobs, my parents require financial support, and my dog just died,” Bellamy stated. “I’ve needed to practice self-care for years now, so I don’t get the same hit from scented candles like I used to. Fortunately, I’ve been able to unwind and meet my mental, physical, and emotional needs on my own so that I can continue to show up for my personal responsibilities by engaging in a number of activities that I’ve been told I cannot say out loud without offering several trigger warnings and obtaining written consent from any parties who may hear of them.”

Bellamy’s roommate Charlie Wong said Bellamy “is a freak.”

“When most guys talk about self-care, they giggle a little bit, because they just mean masturbation. ‘I practice self-care twice a day, once when I wake up, and once right before bed.’ I wish Hugh was just a chronic masturbator; at least then the sounds that come from his room would make more sense,” Wong said while shuddering and looking off into the distance. “He plays Willy Wonka’s tunnel monologue on loop for hours. One time his door was cracked open and I saw a bunch of balloon animals like you get at the carnival, but they didn’t look like any animals I’ve seen before. The air outside his room looks wavy, like when it’s really hot out, and it always smells sour. He always pays his rent on time though, so I guess he’s the best roommate I’ve ever had.”

Local therapist and breathworking coach Kate Langley said that self-care can take different forms for different people, depending on their needs and preferences.

“There’s no set routine that meets everyone’s mental and spiritual needs. People have to discover what works for them and practice it as much as possible. One time, a client told me he takes swigs of pickle brine from the jar when he feels low,” she explained. “Another would dunk her head in the bathwater and scream all the horrible thoughts out of her head while inhaling the cleansing water into her lungs. Any form of self-care is great, and different things work for everyone, but it’s important to remember that all of them are made more effective when doing so while masturbating, especially if you’re going to make a huge mess out of your bathroom anyway.”

At press time, Bellamy was seen at a theatre watching a movie by himself while eating black licorice.

Leaked Trailer for COVID Origin Report Shows Multiverse of COVID Outbreaks

Posted on by Dianne Nora

LOS ANGELES — A leaked trailer for the 90-day report from the intelligence community regarding COVID-19’s origins suggests the incident may exist within a larger multiverse of COVID outbreaks.

“At first glance, an untrained eye seeing the trailer might think that it shows Dr. Anthony Fauci releasing the chaos into the world,” said Jake Gonzalez, an avid viewer and self-proclaimed expert in the COVID Cinematic Universe. “But real CCU fans know that in these scenes Benedict Cumberbatch is likely portraying his evil form, Mephauci, disguised as the Doctor. It’s really reckless the way some people, like that hack poser Martin Scorsese, make assumptions without really knowing their stuff.”

Other fans also speculated that the trailer suggests the report will suggest various possible origins for the global pandemic.

“This is one of the most highly anticipated episodes in the COVID-19 saga, tying together so many different pieces,” said Reddit user SARSCOV-Man, one of the moderators of the r/CCUniverse subreddit on which the trailer was originally leaked. “It’s going to have everything: for the Gen Z-ers, you’ll have Tom Holland fighting the Chinese spies who intentionally created the virus. And for older fans, you’ll have Toby Maguire playing the human who was originally bit by a bat. As long as we get some action sequences and a multidimensional, upside-down, human-bat kiss, I know I’m going to love it, even the redacted version.”

Everly Caudaire, a culture critic with the New Yorker, took a more cynical view of the leaked trailer.

“Will it please the diehard followers of the COVID-19 origins saga? Probably, but they’re not the most discerning viewers,” quipped Caudaire. “These people will take the tiniest Easter egg and spin it into elaborate conspiracy theories. The truth is, when it comes to these huge budget reports, at the end of the day, if they bend over backwards to please everyone here and in China, you wind up with a product that doesn’t really have a perspective or much new to say. And I know she’s got a history with the franchise, but Emma Stone should not be playing a Chinese doctor.”

At press time, reports that the bat might be played by a CGI Stan Lee had not been confirmed.

Progress? We Were Able To Convince This Flat Earther That the Earth Was at Least a Cube

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Despite a lack of scientific evidence, the flat earth movement has gained a lot of new followers due to the advent of the internet and the Chemtrails that poison our minds on a daily basis. As such, it has led to many frustrating conversations between individuals who accept what the Greeks told us in 2000 BCE and attention-seeking people who think they’re too smart to accidentally join a cult. We spoke to one of the latter and, while we were unable to convince him the Earth was round, we did manage to add an extra 5 sides to his perspective, which is progress, we think.

The Hard Times: Ok seriously, why is it so hard to accept the Earth is round?

Flat Earther: Because it’s quite clearly a conspiracy by the international cabal of globe makers to push more globes onto us. But I’ve seen the maps and those things are flat, just like the Earth.

But you do admit that the sun and the moon are round, don’t you?

Oh sure, but I can see that by observing them with a telescope. When I try to observe the Earth using a telescope all I see is dirt but, like, really up close.

That is true. But have you ever noticed you can’t see past the horizon? If the Earth was flat, there wouldn’t be a horizon.

Oh my gosh, of course. How could I have been so blind?!

Finally, I’m glad to see that you’re coming around.

Clearly the Earth is bending at a 90-degree angle at that point!

Yes, the Earth is bending at, wait, no. Not that much of an angle. You see it’s the curvature that…

It makes so much sense! Everything has height, length, and width. Therefore, the poles are on the top of the cube, which makes them cold, and the continents each represent a different side of the cube. How did I not realize it before?

No, that’s not what we were trying to say. Actually, you know what? Fine. Sure, the Earth is a cube. But have you ever considered it might have even more sides than that?

Even more sides? Please. Now who sounds crazy?

Nu Metal Marriage Counselor Not About The He Said She Said Bullshit

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

RENO, Nev. — Couples therapy specialist and nu metal enthusiast Dr. Stephen Hoffman has found it’s best not to take sides in an argument and will not get caught up in the he said she said bullshit, according to sources who can see where he’s coming from.

“I found that when it comes to relationships, it’s best to look at things from both points of view rather than to just take what one person says as a completion of the story. Sometimes your partner seems like the biggest jagoff in the world, but that’s when you gotta remember it just might be one of those days,” Dr. Hoffman has said to many clients. “We’ve all had moments where we’ve felt like shit and we’ve been treated like shit, and it’s up to us to take responsibility for our feelings and ourselves if we want to create more intimacy in the long run.”

Two of Dr. Hoffman’s patients, Jeffrey and Felicity McGuire, found his practices to be very helpful.

“He told me that sometimes you feel like everything sucks, everybody sucks and you don’t know why but you justify your actions. Dr. Hoffman helped me realize that I was acting like a jerk toward my wife and that I was rationalizing the actions in my head to make myself be seen as the victim,” Jeffrey McGuire said. “He told me to not say something I’ll regret, to make sure not to let shit slip or I’ll be left with nothing but a fat lip. I took those words to heart and now my wife and I have never been happier.”

Not everyone has left happy with Dr. Hoffman’s techniques, including Frank and Deanna Becker, whose 13-year relationship ended in divorce following three sessions with the doctor.

“Dr. Hoffman claimed that I was ‘all about the nookie,’ whatever that means. He said I was dwellin’ on the past and that it was burning on my brain hot, and told my wife that when it came to me, ‘nothing was gonna change and you can go away,’” Frank Becker complained. “Was he right that maybe she just made a mistake and I should give her a break? Maybe. But as far as I’m concerned, that guy can take his advice and stick it up his… yeah. You know.”

At press time Dr. Hoffman was organizing family therapy workshops which he plans to include as part of his ‘Family Values’ tour, scheduled to take place next year.

We Sat Down With Body Modification Legend Jesus Christ

Posted on by Ryan Danley

Body mods have come a long way. Once a social oddity, it is now common to see piercings and tattoos on people in many walks of life. While we in the punk rock world are accustomed to these sights, it took many sacrifices by the people with their toes in the mainstream.

The chef community’s bold attempts at arm and hand tattoos blazed the trail that led to body modification’s mainstream acceptance, but who lit the spark? Look no further than a humble Middle Eastern carpenter by the name of Jesus Christ.

We sat down with the OG piercer to discuss standing up to power and going all the way for what you believe in.

Hard Times: Wow, it’s great to sit down with a counter culture icon like you Jesus.
Jesus: Actually…I’m going by Hesh now. I’m trying to distance myself from my early work.

Cool…. Hesh. You are one of the most famous pierced celebrities. How did that come about?
Jerusalem was dead, I was living in loft housing in a newly gentrified Leper colony and taking odd carpentry gigs. Kind of aimless. Then on a whim I got an eyebrow ring. And a whole world opened up to me. Now it’s the only way I can feel.

I read an account of your most famous piercings. It sounded like it may have been pretty extreme.
Extreme is the only way I know how to do things, brother. If you’re ever in Rome, check out a shop called Puncture Pilates out by the chariot races. I’m not sure they’re still open actually, but they did right by me. Solid dudes.

Can you speak on the significance of the work you had done that day? There’s actually a lot of debate about that.
Sure, I’ll set the record straight. These here on my wrists and feet, I got because I thought it would be cool to be suspended on a wall, like a living work of art you know?

And the hole through your abdomen?
I got that done with a 0000-gauge spear, as a tribute to my dog Lucky. He had passed away that year and he loved sticks, so it made sense.

What about the crown of thorns?
I got that mod as a statement about authority.

What statement is that?
Uhm, shit. Well, it’s like wearing a crown is sort of like, everyone wants it, but really it’s a headache you know? Ha, I don’t know man, it was a long time ago. I never really think my shit out that much, I just live in the moment you know?

Well it was certainly a legendary session. In fact, some of your friends reportedly thought that you had died from it, is that true?
Oh yeah, well I just passed out from the sheer ecstasy of body modification, you know? It was a truly transcendental experience. I mean, I saw God, dude. I fucking saw God.

There are those who claim that you are God.
That’s what you find out when you take ownership of your own soul meat, brother. We are, each of us, our own God. It’s a fucking trip dawg.

Okay wow, there is a lot of confusion about your message. Don’t you feel obliged to correct the people doing horrible things in your name?
That’s their trip man, it’s their journey. I can’t get weighed down with the bullshit. I had that epiphany when I got my first Prince Albert.

First?!
I have 3. I also have my septum and bottom lip pierced, and my ears are stretched to 22mm. I have around a 100 hours of tattoo work. My body is a canvas.

Uhm…ok. What can you tell the current crop of people looking to be modified?
Be true to yourself. Don’t let the man take you down. And don’t listen to your fucking Dad. Take it from me, those guys are full of shit.

Small Town’s Punk Scene Consists of High School Drama Club and Weird Guy Who Works at the Dump

Posted on by James Knapp

WEDGEBERG, Wyom. — A recent census of the town of Wedgeberg, population 629, revealed that its fledgling punk scene is composed entirely of teenage thespians and a local coot who manages the area garbage dump, surprised sources confirmed.

“We weren’t intending to form a scene when everyone first started getting together, it just kind of happened. Mostly we just wanted to hang out after rehearsal and smoke some cloves. We don’t have many friends, we get bullied a lot, and people driving by always call us ‘gay,’ I guess that’s pretty punk,” said Frankie Barnes, student and drama club member at Wedgeberg Junior/Senior High School and Traffic College. “It’s pretty cool being in the scene. I mean we still mostly just practice our lines for ‘Annie Get Your Gun,’ but now we include a lot more swearing. Also we have that one weird old guy who buys us beer, which is awesome.”

The waste management employee known to locals only by the moniker “One-Tooth Earl” expressed something presumably supportive of the scene, as biologically its oldest member by nearly five decades.

“T’ain’t got ‘em no much punkin’ ‘round ‘dem goin’ used to play der’ some ol’ paint can whistin’. Hut hut hut!” remarked Earl on the difficulty of finding venues willing to put on shows in the scene’s early days. “Gimmem’ now two swatcher dern out th’ sandpits. Sher’pen nols say so. Ar’ soap.”

“Aa, aa, aaa! Pot da cardboard oer’ twind’ th’ blue bins,” added Earl regarding the garbage dump recycling procedures.

However, some community members have taken issue with the small town’s nascent punk scene.

“Punk rock is a blight on our town. The kids used to want to grow up to be farmers or own a mid-scale hardware store. Now all they talk about is the Broadway adaptation of ‘American Idiot,’ which as an American I find offensive,” said local haberdasher Wendell Phillips. “And I don’t even know what it’s been doing to ol’ One-Tooth. He was always a bit odd, but ever since he stapled that Aus Rotten patch on the back of his overalls the town dump has somehow gotten even grosser.”

One-Tooth Earl later added that since joining the scene he has come to understand the wasteful effects of capitalism that contribute to the Wedgeberg dump collective.

4 Alice in Chains Songs You Definitely Know but Have No Idea What They’re Called

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Just because you can’t name one single Alice in Chains song despite definitely recognizing many of them doesn’t mean you aren’t a fan. In fact, it actually means you’re a real fan. It’s true, sometimes being a fan of this band means never fully remembering the specific track names. It’s all part of the AiC experience.

That’s why we’ve compiled a list of some of their songs that you for sure know, but can’t for the life of you recall the names of.

Man in the Box – You absolutely know this one. It’s the one where they say the title of the song right there in the first line. This is kind of a hacky move on their part, since all of us esteemed music historians know that a song title always goes in the chorus. The album title, on the other hand, goes in a random-ass bridge towards the end of the record.

Would? – One of the reasons it’s so hard to remember the names of these tracks is because they have such forgettable titles. But not every song name can be as snappy as “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” “Black Hole Sun,” or one of the ones from Pearl Jam that we can’t remember right now.

Them Bones – If you’ve ever found yourself watching Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie (1994) like we frequently do, you might have noticed this Chains banger in between all the Hadoukens. You also may have noticed that you don’t ever want to Google the tracklist for this original motion picture soundtrack to verify the song title in the off-chance you forget to clear the cache and your girlfriend stumbles upon your browser history.

Oh, I Know This One – This is the unofficial title for a majority of Alice In Chains songs. You’ll randomly hear it on the radio during ’90s week, during grunge night at the bar, or when your older brother wants to teach you about a time when “music was just better.” Either way, every single version of this song absolutely rules.

Metal Historians Debate Over Who Built Pyramid of Coors Light Cans

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Heavy Metal Archaeologists remain locked in fierce debate over who erected a pyramid of Coors Light cans that was recently excavated from a local basement apartment, scholars close to the story reported.

“I believe that this pyramid was built by a single thrash metal band that called themselves Graves of Hathor over the course of a single night,” said Maurice Salazar, amateur metal historian and lead mechanic at J & D Auto. “Some of my colleagues speculate that it may have been built by an invading Death Metal band from the Baltics that was on tour in the area at the time. But one would expect to find evidence like clove cigarette butts and crude face paint smudges on the walls, and this pyramid couldn’t have been built during the span of one tour stop. They just didn’t have the technology to pull that off at the time of construction.”

While most scientists debate which human band built the pyramid, other fringe researchers think otherworldly forces may have been at work.

“There is no way a single band, not even a prog-metal band with eight members, could have drunk one hundred and eight beers in a single night. I firmly believe that the band was visited by an advanced, beer swilling race of extraterrestrials that helped design and construct this gigantic structure,” said Gretchen Beck, author of the book “Headbangin’ Aliens: How Intergalactic Space Travel Influenced Metal.” “In the Grave of Hathor song ‘Knights of Satan’ they claim that a demonic beast built the tower as a final resting place. Perhaps this Satan, as they call him, is actually an alien force that four drunk metalheads just couldn’t comprehend.”

Metal historian Blanche Morgan is trying her best to bring the arguing factions together and appreciate the miracle for what it is.

“Textbooks like ‘Lords of Chaos’ and ‘Sound of the Beast’ make us think that we know the history of metal, but there is so much up for debate,” said Morgan. “For decades we assumed Dio invented the devil horns hand gesture, but photos recently found in a cave in Finland show it could date back as far as the 1940s. I personally don’t think it’s important who built this pyramid, just that this ninth wonder of the world exists at all; the eighth being King Diamond’s voice, obviously.”

As of press time, the teams of researchers paused further exploration after finding an ashtray filled with half-smoked cigarettes.

Man Watching “Pink Flamingos” Beginning to Think He’s Not Going to Learn About Birds

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

PHILADELPHIA — Local birdwatcher and ornithology enthusiast Sam Greer watched approximately half of the classic 1970s John Waters film “Pink Flamingos” before reaching the conclusion that the movie was, in fact, not about birds, grossed out sources confirmed.

“The title is a bit misleading, but I guess this one is on me for not doing a bit of research before turning the movie on,” remarked a dejected Greer. “Not to say it was a bad movie. It’s just that I had my heart set on watching a bird documentary and had invited some fellow birders over to watch this one. It certainly was out there and kind of disgusting at some points, but I’ve got a strong stomach for these sorts of things. There were some laugh out loud moments, but after a scene at a birthday party I care not to repeat, someone suggested we see what was on Netflix.”

Guest reactions to the evening’s course of events were mixed, ranging from indignant to “what can you do?”

“If you’re going to call a movie ‘Pink Flamingos’ then it had damn well better be about Phoenicopterus Roseus,” stated guest Peter Chambers. “Perhaps Sam meant this as a joke, but I certainly wasn’t laughing. The only thing close to bird related content was the old lady in the crib obsessed with eggs, but that just left me feeling uneasy. Someone needs to account for this heinous error. As such, I intend to speak with the counsel regarding Sam’s membership in the Chestnut Hill Birding Society.”

Director John Waters dismissed the incident by stating “mistakes will happen.”

“Well, I’m always happy when someone checks out my movies, but they’re definitely not for everyone,” said the Baltimore-based filmmaker. “You need to be in the right mindset before watching one of my films or they could come off as a bit disturbing, I suppose. And as a birdwatcher myself, I could see how someone may dislike a sex scene in which a chicken is crushed to death. I would suggest instead they check out ‘Winged Migration’ or ‘The Crimson Wing,’ which is about pink flamingos, by the way.”

At press time, Greer had begun preparing for a trip to Belgrade by starting to watch and then quickly turning off “A Serbian Film.”

Unvaccinated Couple Throw Massive Variant Reveal Party

Posted on by Khadija Hassan

MINNEAPOLIS — Unvaccinated couple Chris and Hannah Davidson excitedly shared the results of their latest COVID tests at a massive variant reveal party with family and friends.

“I haven’t seen any Pinterest boards for variant reveal parties, so it’s really exciting to be the first to set the tone. These are unprecedented times online, and this is our way of giving back to society in a time that seems so divided,” said co-party planner Hannah Davidson. “At the end of the day, the most important thing is that we can share the big news with our family and friends. We can’t wait to see the looks on their faces! We’re letting people guess the variant before the party, and whoever guesses correctly gets a gift basket. Isn’t that fun?”

The couple prides themselves on their ability to detach from fake news and instead channel energy into keeping their circle close.

“It just didn’t feel right not to have all of our family and friends there for the big news, especially since we’d been unmasked with them from the very beginning. In times like this when we’re being told to stay six feet apart, my wife and I have done our job of staying as close as possible to family and friends,” said co-party planner Chris Davidson. “Honestly, some of our guests are almost tired of us throwing gatherings throughout the year, but if we don’t, then who will? Definitely not any of our neighbors, who stopped letting their kids anywhere near us months ago.”

Some family members don’t share in the same level of excitement as the couple.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m definitely not going to a super spreader event masked, pun intended, as a casual party,” said Hannah’s niece, Paula Daniels. “I didn’t go to the family reunion, fourth of July, or bi-monthly homemade beer garden, but this seems like casual murder. Plus, their snacks are sub par. You’re not going to take me out and only offer bread as your vegetarian option. Ew, no.”

At press time, the unvaccinated couple were on ventilators and deciding whether or not to add those to the party theme.