WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its “absolute best” by personally checking the erection strength of all servicemen over the age of thirty, according to confused sources within the Pentagon.
“The only way we’re gonna have a better fighting force than Russia or China is by making sure our dicks are way harder than theirs,” said Hegseth, already a few beers in by noon. “In addition to testing for low testosterone, this new measure will guarantee that only the firmest, stiffest, and most robust cocks are entrusted to fight for Uncle Sam. Just like I used to do with my squad in the National Guard, I will be personally tasked with going barrack-to-barrack at unannounced times, like when they sleep, to test the speed and duration of each soldier’s stiffy. Welcome to the new warrior culture. Oorah!”
Infantryman Kyle Lubowsky was surprised by this announcement.
“I’m all for having a powerful military, but I’m not quite sure having the Secretary do hand stuff to us is the right way to go,” said Lubowsky. “How would that even work? Most of the time, we’re exhausted from doing combat drills or endurance runs, so I don’t think checking how our penis works afterwards would be an accurate representation of our stamina. Maybe they can take the cost of these programs and put it towards something a bit more useful, like better support for our mental health or fixing the widespread toxic mold in our housing. But sure, I guess getting a hard-on while we bomb Iran is important too.”
Military Analyst Casper Ferrero explained that these protocols were just the tip of the iceberg.
“It’s very clear that this current administration will be holding its troops to vastly different standards than in the past,” stated Ferrero. “Not only are they testing for things such as hormone levels and pecker strength, but Hegseth is planning to only promote soldiers with the broadest shoulders and most chiseled jawlines, the latter requiring a mandibular angle within the range of 120–130 degrees. He’ll also reportedly be issuing dishonorable discharges for any fighter who gets hornier for photos of Scooby‑Doo’s Velma over the ‘way hotter’ Daphne.”
At press time, Hegseth also announced mandated circle jerks prior to combat, which he would supervise to weed out the soldiers who went limp first.
