Every Friday the 13th Movie Ranked by How Often It’s Used as an ICE Training Video
Slasher fans rejoice! Friday the 13th is upon us, that special day of the year (or two, or sometimes three when we’re lucky) that compels us to revisit one of the most storied franchises in horror history! But what if we told you there’s a …
Björk Hogging All the Seeds in Bird Feeder Again
REYKJAVÍK — Enigmatic musical artist Björk is being accused by human beings and birds alike of selfishly and aggressively eating all of the seeds in… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Hilarious! This High School Acquaintance Thinks I’m Going To Accept His Friend Request
Alcoholic Man Shouting Racial Slurs at Passersby on Street Corner Booked for Kennedy Center Performance
WASHINGTON — The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced a three-week run performance featuring Terry Gillespie, a local alcoholic man known for… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Trump Fires Noem, Nominates Markwayne Mullin To Fuck Corey Lewandowski on Luxury Jets
WASHINGTON — President Trump will be firing Secretary of Homeland Security and nominating Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin to take over all of her duties, including… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Oh, You’re a Mountain Goats Fan? Name 325 Songs
ICE Agent Moved to Tears During Domestic Abuse Portion of ‘Down With the Sickness’
MINNEAPOLIS — Local ICE Agent Arnie Blacksmith was moved to tears during the “domestic abuse” part of the Disturbed single “Down With the Sickness,” therapy-avoiding… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Music
Black Metal Band Wouldn’t Have Burned Down Church Had They Known It Would Distract From Priest’s Latest Abuse Allegations
MOBILE, Ala. — Members of black metal band Christspearer found themselves regretting setting fire to St. Mark the Evangelist’s Catholic Church after realizing doing so had detracted from abuse allegations against its priest, Father Ronald Mayhew, sources report. “We really…
Study Confirms ‘Two Beers In’ Even Better 12 Beers In
EVANSTON, Ill. — A recent study out of Northwestern University confirmed that Free Throw’s iconic…
Couple Way Too Hot To Be Punk
LOS ANGELES — A young couple recently sighted at a local punk show was deemed…
ICE Agent Moved to Tears During Domestic Abuse Portion of ‘Down With the Sickness’
MINNEAPOLIS — Local ICE Agent Arnie Blacksmith was moved to tears during the “domestic abuse”…
Band Touring Through Oregon Loses Member to Dysentery
OREGON CITY, Ore. — Florida band The Schticks reportedly lost their bass player Lars “Puke…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…