QUINCY, Mass. — A pair of teenagers crossing the parking lot of an abandoned strip mall moments ago report that there is definitely someone fucking…
ORLANDO, Fla. — Metalhead Brad Fetterman spent several hours yesterday sewing the sleeves back on to his finest Dying Fetus T-shirt in preparation for his…
IOWA CITY, Iowa — Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke reaffirmed yesterday that used to skateboard regularly, rebutting skepticism by affirming he could “probably still kickflip if…
LOS ANGELES — The first openly punk Bachelorette Kelly Sears stirred up controversy on the long-running reality show last night by immediately eliminating any contestant…
BOREHAMWOOD, England — Orange Amps announced today via press release their new Brent Hinds Terror signature twin-channel amplifier, featuring an exclusive “Guest Vocals by Scott…
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo experienced one of the most productive periods of his career last week, when his trip to a…
AURORA, Ill. — Local vegan pagan Lisa Wayne drew criticism yesterday for preparing a block of tofu as her sacrificial, divine offering during the annual…
JERUSALEM — Local punk and Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ is reportedly running “an hour late, 90 minutes tops, bro” to rise at his own…
WASHINGTON — The entirety of the straight edge subculture is waiting patiently as a collection of hardcore elders draft their official stance on the non-psychoactive…
PIKE CREEK, Del. — A mysterious woman who left behind a half-smoked bowl at a party last night before rushing out the door is being…
LAS VEGAS — Descendents frontman and Ph.D. molecular biologist Milo Aukerman can pay off his remaining student loan debt after reportedly hitting a $42,000 jackpot…
TUCSON, Ariz. — Punk dad Tom Fogelberg watched proudly from the bleachers on Thursday night as his son Jaxon “completely and utterly sucked” at playing…
WASHINGTON — Special Counsel Robert Mueller released the full version of his first “Choose Your Own Conclusions” investigative report regarding the Trump campaign and Russian…
FAIRBANKS, Alaska — Obvious alcoholic and general mess of a human being Jerrold Long announced today that he will spend the entire evening, and the…
OMAHA, Neb. — A decades-old Rancid T-shirt finally crossed the threshold last week from a piece of dingy, raggedy garbage that offended all who gazed…
