BISBEE, Ariz. — Self-proclaimed punk sommelier and admitted problem-drinker Tegan Nixon strongly recommended that wine drinkers avoid Franzia made after 2015, “unless they wanna look…
CINCINNATI — Friendless, pathetic loser Sonny Robertson attempted to remedy his loneliness yesterday by starting a group text with his Verizon bill reminder texts and…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local indie band C4 and a Chocolate Bar severely overestimated their show attendance and audience’s wants last night by offering free EPs to…
BOSTON — The Dropkick Murphys’ first official “Shipping Up to Boston” Cruise occurred last week and remained docked in Boston Harbor for the entire duration…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Married couple Dave and Sarah Dyer allegedly conceived and birthed a newborn child on purpose within the last year, subsequently horrifying…
BALTIMORE — A local punk venue is now offering senior discounts to patrons over age 25 amid rising demand for accessible spaces, confirmed owner Johnny…
LOS ANGELES — Exceptionally talented, easy-on-the-eyes, genuinely nice and downright hilarious musician Garret Parker can go right ahead and fuck himself, male sources fuming with…
NEW YORK — A new study by Columbia University has found that ingesting marijuana improves whatever you need to hear to make you feel better…
SINGAPORE — Local heroine and seven-months-pregnant woman Candace Xiao willingly and graciously offered her seat to some dude wearing Chucks during her commute on the…
TULSA, Okla. — Local punk Eddie Abrams’s plans to retire are reportedly contingent upon his dying young and nothing else, according to a meeting with…
PHILADELPHIA — Local man Eric Sullivan still eats with his arm around his plate like a hardened, PTSD-suffering prisoner after growing up as the youngest…
SCRANTON, Penn. — The Menzingers offered yesterday a handful of stamped timecards taken from a local factory to a life-sized effigy of fellow nostalgic songwriter…
CRANSTON, R.I. — Punk father and son team Jerry and Steve Pappas began work today restoring a mint condition 2017 Ford Econoline van to get…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Millennial punk and generally clumsy dolt Tony Drummond bellowed several ironic “Tim Allen” grunts yesterday before accidentally firing a nail through his…
DALLAS — Local punk Denny “Wart” Morrill surprised fellow Dallas Marathon runners yesterday by shitting himself at the very beginning of the race, leaving many…
