Rank-And-File Democrat Reaches Across Aisle To Trip Progressive Candidate
WASHINGTON—Representative Haley Stevens, a proud establishment democrat and supporter of Israel, metaphorically and literally reached across the aisle yesterday to endorse Republican candidate Mike Rogers and trip progressive candidate Abdu…
Liberal Punk Band Writes Strongly Worded Letter Addressed to The Machine
SEATTLE — Liberal punk band The Living Kennedys has had enough and taken the drastic step of writing a strongly worded letter addressed to The… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
White House Announces Children on EBT Only Allowed to Trick or Treat at Houses Giving Out Apples
66 Horror Movie Kills That Would Look Cooler if Donald Trump (Who Has Acted Before) Was in Them—We Can Say That, Right?
From his role as ‘VIP Patron’ in 54 to his tour de force as ‘Forbes Cover Billionaire’ in something called “Horrorween,” when it comes to… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Patrick Stewart Reappears as Force Ghost Just To Piss You Nerds Off
LOS ANGELES—Sir Patrick Stewart, the beloved actor who passed away earlier today, most famous for his role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard on ‘Star Trek: The… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Glenn Danzig Changes Ways After Being Visited by Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future
Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Music
Glenn Danzig Changes Ways After Being Visited by Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future
LOS ANGELES — On-and-off Misfits singer Glenn Danzig was completely scared straight after visits from the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future, confirmed sources. “After the Ghost of Halloween Past took me back in time to when I made…
Experts Find Skrillex Most Common Sleep Paralysis Demon for People Who Attended College in 2010
CORAL GABLES, Fla. — Experts at the University of Miami determined through rigorous research that…
Aging Goth Couple Barely Scare Each Other Anymore
PEORIA, Ill. — Each waiting behind a corner to frighten the other the moment either…
Bon Iver Reveals ‘Skinny Love’ About Snapping Into a Slim Jim
EAU CLAIRE, Wis. — Singer-songwriter Justin Vernon, better known by his indie folk band moniker…
Punk Over 35 Just Needs Phone, Keys, Wallet, Ear Plugs, Tums, Insoles, and Neck Fan to Go to Show
PHOENIX — Concertgoers in their late 30s and older are entering venues with a swath…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…