American Conservatives Confused Why French Populace Refuses To Surrender
DALLAS, Tex.—Conservatives across the United States expressed shock and confusion upon seeing footage of the ongoing riots across France, primarily over the fact that the country’s populace was not instinctively surrendering to riot police,…
Opinion: Anyone Who Would Trust Their Life to a Tesla Flying Car Absolutely Should
Hello there, fellow citizens of the FUTURE. That’s what it must be: the future, at least according to Elon Musk, because the flying car is… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Stephen Miller Googles “Temu Return Policy” After Disastrous Outing for New Press Secretary
Help! The Demon Possessing My Girlfriend Is Way Nicer Than She Is
I’m not the kind of man to ask strangers on the internet for anything other than nudes, but I’m so desperate for guidance that I… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
We Separated the Art From the Artist and Steven Tyler Still Sucks
Can you separate the art from the artist? When a creator whose work you love reveals a trait of character you cannot abide, is it… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Death Toll of Online Girlfriends Soars After Air Strike on Russian Data Center
Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Music
Nation’s Xylophones Sit Dusty After Overly Optimistic ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ Boom
UNITED STATES — A secret collection of neglected xylophones hidden in American basements that were purchased after the release of Violent Femmes’ hit “Gone Daddy Gone” has been gathering dust since the early '80s, sources confirmed. “The boys and I…
FDA Bans Use of Mambo No. 5
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced a countrywide ban on…
Band Forecasts Thick Layer of Mid-Set Stage Fog
MINNEAPOLIS — Local band HorseLord forecasted a surprise front of thick stage fog rolling in…
Jam Band Fan Swears They Like Good Music Too
DENVER — Local jam band connoisseur Trent Gordon recently found himself in the position of…
311 Tired of Fielding Non-Emergency Municipal Calls
OMAHA, Neb. — Alternative rock band 311 announced that it is tired of fielding and…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…