Help! My Housecleaner Is the Little Old Lady From “Poltergeist”, and She’s Half-Assing Every Chore
Though my rent is so high that I can’t afford toothpaste, I recently hired the little old lady from “Poltergeist” to clean once a week. I’ve never seen the movie (I know, I know; it’s on my list!), but I had high expectations of Tangina bas…
Jam Band Fan Swears They Like Good Music Too
DENVER — Local jam band connoisseur Trent Gordon recently found himself in the position of defending his musical tastes, confirmed sources. “Listen, I can’t help… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
‘90s Grunge Singers Added to Endangered Species List
49ers Owner Suspended From Doing Whatever It Is Owners Do
SANTA CLARA, California — In response to a recent prostitution-related arrest, the NFL has suspended San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York for the next six… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
We Separated the Art From the Artist and Steven Tyler Still Sucks
Can you separate the art from the artist? When a creator whose work you love reveals a trait of character you cannot abide, is it… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Rob Schneider Files for Relevancy
Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Music
311 Tired of Fielding Non-Emergency Municipal Calls
OMAHA, Neb. — Alternative rock band 311 announced that it is tired of fielding and handling a near-constant series of non-emergency municipal calls for assistance while out on tour, according to sources close to the group. “Look, it’s hard to…
Punk Venue Accused of Selling Out After Putting Door on Toilet Stall
FITCHBURG, Mass. — Long-standing rock club Vito’s is being lambasted by its clientele after installing…
David Lee Roth Band Fires David Lee Roth
PASADENA, Calif. — The David Lee Roth Band announced the immediate dismissal of lead singer…
Supreme Court Signals Openness To Gutting Beastie Boys’ Right To Party
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito suggested that the Court is open to gutting…
Pedal Board Most Organized Part of Guitarist's Life
TERRE HAUTE, Ind. – Vance Stevenson, guitarist for local rock band Gorilla Cheese, spends countless…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…