LOS ANGELES — The same ticket that used to get fans into a Duran Duran show will now only admit entry to a single Duran, sources confirmed.
“I bought these tickets weeks ago, but I’m just now noticing they’re for a singular Duran,” said Dawit Davis, dedicated devotee of Duran Duran. “I called Ticketmaster, and the most they could tell me is that I now owe a $9.99 customer support fee. So I did what anyone would do: I complained to ChatGPT. When it incorrectly told me both Durans died in a plane crash in Iowa in 1959, I asked my buddy who has a better version of ChatGPT. Looks like it’s true: one ticket equals one Duran. Whoever thought this was a good idea needs to be shot, skinned, and salted. You don’t want to fuck with Duran Duran fans.”
Members of the band confessed there’s little else they can do to keep prices low.
“You want two Durans? In this economy?” said John Taylor, longtime bassist for Duran Duran. “Me and the sound engineer only work when Duran is on stage, but not when Duran is up. Sure, it was a lot easier when Duran Duran still played as Duran Duran, but we’re stuck with the same shrinkflation as everyone else. The other day, I ordered a new bass guitar from Temu, and inside the package was just a picture of a tuba. The songs are shrinking, too. Instead of dancing across the Rio Grande, Rio just walks across it.”
Music industry experts warned of shrinkflation affecting other bands.
“Shrinkflation locks live music into a deadly spiral that will only get worse. At some point, it’ll cost $3,000 for a front row experience with a Duran Duran poster and a JBL speaker,” said Meredith Portner, freelance economist. “This is an apocalyptic moment for bands like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Xiu Xiu, and !!!. Who would want to go see the Yeah Yeah or even the Yeah? And what happens when the elaborate expense of a GWAR stage show forces the band to shrink to ‘gwar’ to keep ticket prices affordable? I’ll tell you what happens: the crowds for cover bands get thick. Fans can hear their favorites played live for a few bucks. I heard Kid Rock actually opened last week for Child Roll, a cover band of toddlers. Unfortunately, there’s nothing anyone can do about the situation, which is caused entirely by organic market forces.”
As of press time, Duran Duran reunited as Duran Duran after the dissolution of the Live Nation/Ticketmaster monopoly.
