Disappointed Vegas Couple Reluctantly Gets Married by Elvis Costello Impersonator
LAS VEGAS — A soon-to-be wed pair of New Jersey tourists were crestfallen to discover the Elvis impersonator officiating their ceremony was actually one for Elvis Costello, sources confirmed while encouraging them to read the fine print nex…
Study: Growing Number of Americans Need To Shut the Fuck Up About Protein
DENVER — A new study released by The Reticence Foundation found that growing numbers of Americans need to shut the fuck up about protein. “Protein… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Distract Yourself From America’s Rapid Descent Into Authoritarianism With This Ultimate ‘90s Playlist!
Oof, things REALLY aren’t going well right now, are they? It seems like every day our president does something that would be a career-ending exercise… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Ted Sarandos Seen Wearing “If You See the FCC Investigating Anti-Competitive Acquisition, Warn a Brother” T-Shirt
LOS ANGELES — After coming out victorious in the multi-billion dollar bidding war to acquire Warner Bros., Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos was seen leaving the… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Help! My MAGA Relatives Are So Red Pilled They Think I like the Democrats
New Spotify Wrapped Feature Shows How Much of Your Money Went to Funding AI Warfare Technology
STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Spotify released its popular annual year-end “Wrapped” feature which gives users a snapshot of their music and podcast listening trends along with… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
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Music
“Enter Sandman” Voted Best Metallica Song by Random Drunk Dipshits at the Bar
WASHINGTON — A recent poll among the nation’s random drunk dipshits at the bar have declared 1991’s “Enter Sandman” the best song by thrash metal band Metallica, exasperated sources report. “Oh hell yeah! Derrrrr der DER DER DER!” drunk shithead…
Keith Richards Cancelled Over Controversial Relationship in 1890s
WESTON, Conn. — Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is reportedly cancelled after fans discovered his…
New Spotify Wrapped Feature Shows How Much of Your Money Went to Funding AI Warfare Technology
STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Spotify released its popular annual year-end “Wrapped” feature which gives users a…
Bassist Continues Pretending to Know What ‘Playing in the Pocket’ Means
MACON, Ga. — Lionel Quinn, bassist for local band Busted Hump, has no plans to…
Girl on Cover of Lagwagon’s “Let’s Talk About Feelings” Becomes Prom Queen After Taking off Glasses and Letting Down Hair
GOLETA, Calif. — Margaret Nerdstrom, the girl featured on the album cover of skate punk…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…