WASHINGTON — Vice President J.D. Vance suddenly woke up from a recurring nightmare in which a minimum wage employee wasn’t in extreme medical debt due…
Hi there. I have reservations for 6:30, but I’m a few minutes early. I can just stand outside—or maybe I should leave? I’m so sorry.…
SHIPPENSBURG, Penn. — Local widow Claire Donnelly wouldn’t shut the hell up about her former spouse who tragically passed away recently, confirmed sources who have…
WASHINGTON — Popular ‘70s gay icons Village People announced they would be performing at multiple Trump inauguration events and will feature a new lineup made…
David Lynch, the iconic auteur behind such projects as “Twin Peaks,” “Blue Velvet,” and “Mulholland Drive,” passed away today at the age of 78. Maybe.…
GAZA CITY, Palestine — Israeli Defense Force First Sergeant Yosef Shochet admitted that he is suffering from terrible nightmares portraying happy, active children playing in…
MOSES LAKE, Wash. — Your parents announced that your childhood trauma will now be officially rebranded as “how things were done in those days,” confirmed…
Well, it’s a week into 2025, and let’s just cut the bullshit right here, right now. Fuck it, 2026 will be my year. 2025 is…
WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — Disturbed onlookers rolled their eyes as local bozo Sturgill Lacey clearly envisioned himself in an opening film’s montage due to the…
NEW YORK — The New York City Police Department unveiled a new AI surveillance program that promised to help them arrest the wrong guy 70%…
Karate—the perennial backup sport for kids who weren’t coordinated enough to play soccer. And what is a more direct comparison to an uncoordinated child than…
LAUREL, Miss. — Drummer Keith Reed for the hard rock group Assistant Coach expressed a desire to contribute creatively to the band’s decisions about where…
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk scene veteran Chuck Rubenfeld, known for spending the better part of the ’90s passing out on floors across the tri-state area,…
Reality TV has to be one of the most prominent vices in society today, and many people tend to be fans even if they don’t…
PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong fan of black metal Karl Donner was reportedly unsure if his fandom of Norwegian stalwarts Dimmu Borgir was acceptable among his peers,…