SAN FRANCISCO — Super7, the popular toy company known for its niche collectables, released a new talking Lars Ulrich doll that comes equipped with a…
Child Protective Services Finally Called On the Lady From Megadeth’s “Youthanasia” Album Cover
GRAND ISLAND, Neb. — Child protective services finally paid a visit to 89-year-old Bertha Gwynne after she had been clipping newborn babies upside-down to a…
Testament, Exodus, Overkill, and Dark Angel Announce “Mid-Sized Four of Thrash” Concert
SAN FRANCISCO — Semi-titans of American thrash metal Testament, Exodus, Overkill, and Dark Angel announced their plans to play a concert in the same vein…
Black Metal Band Maintains Their Dark Atmosphere While Playing Sparsely Populated Bowling Alley
CAMILLUS, N.Y. — Local black metal band Bügnorkvlt shrouded a crowd with their evil, mystifying atmosphere, despite playing at a barely attended bowling alley, corpse-painted…
Middle-Aged Metal Fan Prepares Elaborate Story for Record Store Clerk About Why He’s Just Now Purchasing “Reign in Blood”
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 46-year-old metalhead Rich Dresden nervously concocted a complex narrative to explain to the clerk at Urgent Breakdown Records why he was…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local Korn fan Floyd Brennan recently admitted that the band hit its peak approximately 50 seconds into the song “Blind,” confirmed sources…
Black Metal Fan Delighted to Find This Year’s Farmers’ Almanac Predicts a Long, Cold Winter
BEDFORD, N.Y. — Local black metal fan Dennis “Bjorn” Rubenstein celebrated the news of the Farmer’s Almanac forecasting a particularly harsh winter this year, several…
CHICAGO — Nu-Metal band Disturbed revealed their 2000 hit “Down with the Sickness” was also a Simon and Garfunkel cover much like their 2015 hit…
PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong fan of black metal Karl Donner was reportedly unsure if his fandom of Norwegian stalwarts Dimmu Borgir was acceptable among his peers,…
Study Shows 1 Out of Every 5 Local Metal Band T-Shirts Ends Up Inside an Auto Repair Shop’s Oily Rag Bin
ITHACA, N.Y. — A recent study by Cornell University found that a striking one out of five local metal band t-shirts ends up inside an…
Embarrassing: Drone Metal Fan Comes In 27 Minutes Early With Air Guitar
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley reportedly came in 27 minutes early with his air guitar at a recent show, embarrassed sources…
NEW YORK — Metal frontman and former singer of Twisted Sister Dee Snider celebrated four decades of being seen as a metal icon for no…
Black Metal Band Therapist Suggests Series of Team-Building Church Burning Activities
OSLO, Norway — Black metal band Frossen Ensomhet undertook a series of team-building church burning activities at the behest of their band therapist, sources report.…
Clown From Slipknot Makes New Year’s Resolution to Hit a Beer Keg With His Baseball Bat at Least 50 Times a Day
DES MOINES, Iowa — Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan reportedly resolved to hit a beer keg with his baseball bat at least 50 times a…
Dave Mustaine Starts Second, Rival Retirement Organization After Being Kicked Out of AARP
LA MESA, Calif. — Prolific thrash metal frontman Dave Mustaine started a rival retirement organization after being removed from the American Association of Retired Persons…