WATERVILLE, Maine — Lead guitarist Lloyd Weil of band Visceral Stench surprised his bandmates by adding an unbelievably intricate solo to their song “Molestation of…
New ICE Recruitment Ad Just “Click Click Boom” Playing Over Video of Mexican Kid’s Birthday Party
WASHINGTON — ICE unveiled a new recruitment ad today that was just Saliva’s “Click, Click, Boom” playing at an insanely loud volume over a video…
Wall of Death Resumes After Peace Talks Fail
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A particularly violent wall of death during an Exodus concert continued after peace talks failed to reach a diplomatic solution, distressed sources…
Emotionally Withdrawn Pit Refuses to Open Up
ST. LOUIS — An emotionally withdrawn mosh pit refused to open up despite the raw power of Swedish death metal band Amon Amarth’s performance at…
Pantera Mosh Pit Also Serves as Cop Team-Building Activity
BURGETTSTOWN, Pa. — The mosh pit at a concert by popular metal band Pantera doubled as a team-building activity for local police officers, disgusted sources…
New Member of Slipknot Told to Look Busy Until the Boss Finds Something for Him to Do
DES MOINES, Iowa — Newest member of Slipknot Brett Francese found himself struggling to look busy during his first day on the job, sources report.…
Limp Bizkit Fan Figures Out Exact Day in 1998 That Fred Durst Was Singing About in “Break Stuff”
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Limp Bizkit superfan Dylan “Chuds” McKenzie pinpointed the exact day Fred Durst is referring to in the band’s hit single “Break Stuff,”…
Audio Engineering Mixup Results in Two-Minute Sound Clip From “Steel Magnolias” Being Included in New Mortician Song
LAS VEGAS — A sound clip from 1989 film “Steel Magnolias” was accidentally used in the beginning of the song “Axewound Rhinoplasty” by notorious death/grind…
WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex…
Diehard MTV News Fan Only Going to Megadeth Show to Hear First Five Seconds of “Peace Sells”
BOSTON — Lifelong fan of MTV News commercial segments Randy Colefell found himself going to see thrash metal legends Megadeth just to hear the opening…
Weird! Manowar Not Getting Girlfriend in the Mood
FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report. “I don’t…
Pregnant Woman Weighing Ethical Considerations of Bringing Child Into World Where Metallica Still Releasing New Music
CHICAGO — Pregnant woman Janice Bonder found herself second-guessing her decision to bring new life into a world where popular metal band Metallica was still…
Municipal Waste Fan Horrified To Learn He Drank Responsibly Last Night
CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources…
Metalhead With No Hygiene Habits Inexplicably Owner of Most Beautiful Head of Hair You’ve Ever Seen
MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report. “I grew…
DraftKings Predict The Callous Daoboys Have Better Odds of Reaching Super Bowl Than Dallas Cowboys
ATLANTA — New data from DraftKings indicates mathcore band The Callous Daoboys are an unlikely favorite to make it to next year’s Super Bowl, while…