I’ve been doomed upon this fate for many of years. Sure, I may look powerful with my crystal ball and steed, but I assure you…
Really? You want to be that guy with the homemade guitar? Ok, well I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. Here’s…
CINCINNATI — 32-year-old claims adjuster Aaron Madson has spent the past week listening to classic nü-metal alone in his car “as a joke” for hours…
Band Pic Ruined by Smiling Drummer
By Cory Cousins
CLEVELAND — Recently signed hardcore band Pain on Fire discovered this afternoon that their recent promotional photoshoot was marred by a pleasant grin from their…
Metal Guitarist Putting a Bunch of Unnecessary Umlauts in Written Response to Sexual Assault Allegations
By Patrick Coyne
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — The guitarist and songwriter of a popular metal band was accused yesterday of using excessive umlauts in his tacit admission to…
MOLINE, Ill. — Touring death metal band Spoilation reportedly wasted little time before eating drummer Vic Walsh after their tour van broke down, failing to…
Inconsiderate Neighbor Only Blasts St. Anger-Era Metallica Through Walls
By Kyle Sekaquaptewa
DAYTON, Ohio — Local apartment tenant Adrian Delgado has filed his fifth noise complaint this month with building management, claiming that his next door neighbor…
ALLENTOWN, Penn. — Metal diehard James Allen used the online tax filing platform TaxSlayer yesterday to “eviscerate, desecrate, and properly file” his 1040EZ tax return,…
Badass English Teacher Assigns Van Halen’s 1984
By Chuck Kowalski
PITTSBURGH — High school English teacher Dennis Schneider disregarded yesterday’s lesson on George Orwell’s dystopian classic 1984 in favor of “rocking the hell out” to…
Limits of Casual Friday Policy Tested with Goatwhore Shirt
By Mark Hassenfratz
TRENTON, N.J. — Local metalhead and office temp Sean Durham tested the boundaries of “Casual Friday” attire last week by wearing his beloved Goatwhore T-shirt…
Metalhead Running out of Body Parts to Carve Slayer Into
By The Hard Times Staff
FRESNO, Calif. — Local metalhead Terry Parker found yesterday that he is almost out of body parts into which to carve the word “Slayer” as…
GRIMES, Iowa — Heavy metal fans from around the world flocked to a sleepy Des Moines, Iowa suburb last weekend to see a puddle of…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — The California Department of Food and Agriculture approved a program yesterday allowing nü-metal scientists to test potential gene manipulation of indigenous KoЯn,…
Metal Album Art Gives Demons Unrealistic Body Expectations
By Rob Steinberg
CITY OF DIS, Hell — 78 percent of demons across the Netherworld experienced feelings of low self-esteem and body issues when subjected to the unrealistic…
Metallica Merch Booth World’s 32nd Largest Economy
By Mark Turner
LOS ANGELES — Metallica’s live concert and online merch booth is now the world’s 32nd largest economy by GDP following another year of unprecedented growth,…