WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today declared his plans to live for eternity after stuffing his orifices with silica gel packets,…
AKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the band’s singer, confirmed sources. “I…
WICHITA, Kan. — Local 62-year-old dad Carl Strungis reportedly spends hours glued to The History Channel, absorbing absolutely nothing except the vague sense that explosions…
WASHINGTON — The Bill from the “Schoolhouse Rock,” best known for singing “I’m Just a Bill” in the fifth episode of the third season, died…
MESA, Ariz. — A local man, described by everyone who knows him as an unambitious, directionless complete loser, is reportedly pretty cool with that, according…
NEW YORK — New York Mayor Eric Adams announced he plans to give Sean “Diddy” Combs a second key to the city with the ability…
BOCA CHICA, Texas – The world’s richest man, Elon Musk, says that he will be creating a new political party based heavily on his careful…
ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Local 41-year-old Teddy Moore is being hailed as a hero after multiple witnesses confirmed he attended a local punk show on…
HIALEAH, Fla. — Local Netflix user Julia Owen was left contemplating her sense of self, purpose, and place in the world after Netflix suggested she…
WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dismissed a potential smallpox outbreak today by telling HHS staffers not to bother him until it’s a…
DALLAS — A local 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline worker abruptly hung up on a caller from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement who was despondent…