RACINE, Wis. — Unconcerned sources report that the clumsy efforts of crowd-killer Danny Wilkins at a house show by local horror punk band Root River…
LEAWOOD, Kan. — Movie theater chain AMC rolled out a new tiered fee system allowing patrons to avoid seats behind cinephile boyfriends commenting on the…
OMAHA, Neb. — An unwanted Line 6 Spider III was recently abandoned on the stoop of the East Omaha Sanctuary For Unwanted Boys, somber sources…
HAZLEHURST, Miss. — Indie horror movie “The Scary Place” is leaving primarily Republican audiences in freshly shitted-and pissed-in pants due to its terrifying, uneventful depictions…
TERRE HAUTE, Ind. — Nearly all of the speakers at the service for deceased punk Jeremy Wiggins reported that he’d passed away still owing them…
OAKLAND – A recent Journal of Musicology paper titled ‘Slow Rides and Fast Cars: The Sound of Reckless Driving’ concluded that there aren’t nearly as…
DURHAM, N.C. — Allegedly ill punk Tommy Donnelly has taken to his deathbed, which is also his roommate’s used futon, with only enough strength to…
SOUTH KINGSTOWN, R.I. — Ben Bryes, guitarist for local alt-rock band Swiss Army Gun, reportedly switched his instrument while performing even though literally no one…
CHICAGO — Thirty-eight-year-old millennial and grocery store manager Tyler Bretlin was shocked to vividly re-experience the iconic opening credits scene of the early 2000s teen…
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders claimed another victory after signing a bill allowing parents to leave their children locked in vehicles on…
MENDHAM TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Florida governor Ron DeSantis awoke the morning after a GOP presidential hopeful slumber party to discover the word “WOKE” written on…
TROLLSTIGEN, Norway — Teenage punks Xavier Martinez and Sydney Black were shocked to discover that the address of a house show would only be revealed…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Gibson Brands Inc. announced plans to debut their new signature line of Flying V Jet Skis at the 2024 National Association of…
DES MOINES, Iowa — GOP presidential hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy faces another cease and desist order, this time from singer Morrissey accusing him of plagiarising the…
PHILADELPHIA — Jealous husband and punker Shaun Grables is starting to suspect that his wife is secretly having sex with The Dead Milkmen while he’s…