NEW YORK — Spotify project manager Diego Valenzuela received an unprecedented raise of $0.00437 today for single-handedly rebuilding the streaming platform’s advertisement system from the…
PHILADELPHIA — Local pervert David Bell could not climax this morning during his daily commute after noticing another bus rider openly nursing her infant, multiple…
Warning: this heartwarming story will make you cry. When 28-year old singer-songwriter Mikey Delbond recently damaged his beloved Martin guitar beyond repair, he thought his…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local Guitar Center sales associate Dan Shin deemed a customer’s routine purchase “pretty sick” earlier this week, sources close to the enthusiastic…
EUGENE, Ore. — Local mechanic and outspoken male feminist Elias Murphy finally received his copy of Forbes magazine’s “Most Powerful Women” last week, proudly displaying…
Acclaimed ogre and Hollywood superstar Shrek is best known for the proliferation of nude photos containing his likeness on the internet and his publicly turbulent…
Dear Scabby: I hit a child driving home from work. This was 3 years ago. I haven’t told anyone. What should I do?! -CLUMSY Dear…
TEMPE, Ariz. — Local punk Arnie Parker vowed to take the crown for the worst tattoos back from modern hip-hop music with a marathon home…
NEW YORK — Dating website OkCupid announced on Wednesday that they added a new filter, enabling users to search for potential partners with a Black…
NEW YORK CITY — Rolling Stone magazine announced today it would be scaling back the latest version of its popular special feature, merely ranking the…
NEW YORK — Local man with a small beanie Casey Rosevear announced his engagement today via Facebook to Liz McNamara, a woman wearing overalls, unsurprised…
ROKEBY, Neb. — Residents of a sleepy Nebraska town are living in fear of a teenager who recently transformed into a full-on hypebeast who will…
SEATTLE — A “Buffy the Vampire Slayer Party” group chat has allegedly devolved months after Halloween into an increasingly incomprehensible conversation full of inside jokes,…
LOS ANGELES — Amateur clothing vendor and entrepreneur Brian Wessel is puzzled by his company’s lack of T-shirt sales after using the back side of…
SOUTH BEND, Ind. — Mayor Pete Buttigieg today became the first Democratic Presidential contender to release a decade’s worth of concert ticket stubs, following overwhelming…
