LOS ANGELES — Heavy metal band Metallica proudly announced that they have finally tracked down and sued the bootlegger who sold Beavis from “Beavis and Butt-Head” his signature blue shirt, disgusted sources report.
“It took over three decades, but we finally found the bastard,” said drummer Lars Ulrich. “I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was for me after all those years of seeing Beavis wearing a shirt I knew he did not obtain through legitimate means. Trust me, I sign off on every single t-shirt, jigsaw puzzle, pinball machine, and bottle of whiskey with the Metallica name on it, and we’ve never sold that item that Beavis has been wearing so brazenly while watching music videos from his couch. Rest easy that this selfish bootlegger who took money out of my pocket back in 1992 won’t be able to harm any more musicians.”
Highland, Texas resident bootlegger Harold Butler was distraught over the lawsuit.
“How am I going to make a living now?” Butler despaired as he read the cease and desist letter. “I’ve been selling bootleg Metallica, AC/DC, and Winger shirts since the early ‘90s, and the Metallica ones have composed 80% of my business. Nobody’s even purchased a Winger shirt in decades. I really should’ve known better than to think I could get away with selling fake Metallica shirts, but I thought living in an animated universe would keep me safe from those guys. They’ll sue anything that moves, though, so I suppose I got what I deserved.”
Sandra Ng, professor of law at University of Pittsburgh, weighed in on the situation.
“Most bands wouldn’t stoop so low as to sue a cartoon character, but come on, we’re talking about Metallica here,” Ng noted. “One only needs to listen to any of the albums they’ve put out in the past 30 years to understand that they have absolutely no shame. Honestly, I’m surprised Beavis continued to wear that shirt after the band released ‘Load,’ but then again, he doesn’t appear to listen to much music outside of the videos he watches with Butt-Head. Anyway, they’re so litigious that anyone who rips them off is at risk of legal action, regardless of whether they inhabit a fictional universe, so be warned.”
At press time, Metallica’s legal team had garnished all of Beavis’ Burger World wages until he stopped wearing the shirt.
