SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42-year…
Metalhead Farmer Reports Highest Sorrow Harvest in Decades
GREENTOWN, Ind. — Local metalhead and harvester Jonas Fitzgerald says this year’s sorrow yield is the highest in decades, according to sources with inside knowledge…
I Noticed Your Publication Has Been Talking a Lot of Shit About Bassists — Guest Article by the Ghost of Cliff Burton
Hey metal fans, the ghost of Cliff Burton here. I’ve traversed the astral plane to call out The Hard Times. I couldn’t help but notice…
EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Prolific bassist and Primus frontman Les Claypool sent a follow-up email to metal band Metallica regarding his 1986 audition for them,…
Lars Ulrich Threatens to End Metallica if Other Band Members Keep Missing His Sweet Jumps off Diving Board
MIAMI — Longtime Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich was seen threatening to break up the band if his fellow bandmates continued to miss him jumping off…
Every Metallica Album Ranked
Metallica have cemented themselves as one of the greatest heavy metal bands of all time, despite their best efforts to undermine that standing with some…
Kind of Sad: James Hetfield Is Still Walking Around Dressed as Eddie From “Stranger Things”
We all loved when James Hetfield debuted his Halloween costume, which was a tribute to everyone’s favorite “Stranger Things” rocker Eddie Munson. But almost a…
SAN RAFAEL, Calif. — Metallica lead guitarist and wah pedal enthusiast Kirk Hammett couldn’t remember if he is supposed to go to James Hetfield’s mansion…
The Next Kirk Hammett? I Also Work With Two Egomaniacs and a Temp
Holy shit am I the next Kirk Hammett? No, I can’t shred on the guitar and my hair is less “rock God” and more “birds…
Opinion: James Hetfield Is a Total Pretentious Asshole Who Sues Anyone Who Breaks Into His House
Never meet your heroes. Everyone seems to have a story about an awful encounter with a celebrity, but I have always given a person of…
Metallica Merch Booth World’s 32nd Largest Economy
LOS ANGELES — Metallica’s live concert and online merch booth is now the world’s 32nd largest economy by GDP following another year of unprecedented growth,…
I’m sorry, you don’t like Metallica? I don’t think I understand that statement. You just never got into them? What does that even mean? Have…