Hamburger Helper Glove Admits to Visiting Epstein’s Kitchen Island
BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — Lefty, the Hamburger Helper glove, was among the many food-product mascots whose names appear in the…
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Tim Graham
145 stories found
Worst Member of Family on Track to Outlive Everyone
HANSON, Mass. — Local bigoted alcoholic Bud Cullen will likely live longer than many members of his family, according to…
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Fan of Streamer Ready To Take Parasocial Relationship To Next Level
HOLDEN, Mass. — A local fan of popular online personality SpaghettiBurger says she’s prepared to advance her fandom to a…
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Tom Waits Insists Royalty Checks Be Delivered by Raven Wearing Top Hat
SONOMA COUNTY, Calif. — Eccentric singer Tom Waits demanded all correspondence be brought to him in increasingly unorthodox ways, frustrated…
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Suicidal Tendencies’ Mike Muir Now Sporting Full-Body Bandana
VENICE, Calif. — Mike Muir, singer for thrash-punk band Suicidal Tendencies, appeared onstage wearing a bandana large enough to cover…
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Trump Orders ‘The Simpsons’ to Bring Back Apu for Deportation Storyline
BURBANK, Calif. — President Donald Trump called for “The Simpsons” character Apu to return to the long-running show, sources confirm.…
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Mom Brings Salad Spinner in for 30,000 Spin Tune-up
LEBANON, N.H. — Local homemaker Deb Kasper brought her well-worn salad spinner in for its annual service, sources in the…
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Panicked Ben Shapiro Puts Wet Wife into Big Bag of Rice
PALM BEACH, Fla. — Conservative political commentator Ben Shapiro rushed to dry out his wife after she told him of…
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Historian Discovers Sternly Worded Letter Chuck Schumer’s Ancestor Sent to Genghis Khan
BAGHDAD — Historians recently discovered a sternly worded document from Senator Chuck Schumer’s ancestor that amounted to a “tepid appeal”…
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Baby Saves Marriage, Kills Band
FAIRHAVEN, Mass. — A new baby daughter helped local couple Ben and Hannah Brenner reconnect, though her arrival signaled the…
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