OXFORD, N.C. — American Spirit is set to be the first tobacco brand to capitalize on the protein-boosting craze, according to a press release from parent company R.J. Reynolds.
“American Spirit is proud of our reputation as a natural alternative to other companies’ chemically treated products,” said spokesperson Melanie Quist. “And while our cigarettes are often touted as a ‘healthier’ option, we’ve been working for years on ways to make them even better for our customers. Now we’re proud to announce a brand new member of our product lineup: American Spirit Protein. Our world-class research team was the first to master a technique that allows protein powder-infused tobacco to be turned into bioavailable protein when inhaled. Don’t be surprised if you start to see muscle-bound fitness enthusiasts ‘ripping a butt’ before heading into the gym.”
Smoker Ansel Slade was one of the subjects brought in to test American Spirit’s new cigarette.
“I’ve been a pack-a-day smoker for 30 years,” said Slade, pausing to double over and cough violently. “And I gotta tell you, these things are amazing. Only a few days after switching to the protein cigs, I could already feel the health effects. All those amino acids are building up my lung capacity, and I’ve got a lot more energy and strength. Hell, I used to have trouble hefting a 30-rack of Bud out of my truck, but now I can carry one of those plus a handle of Bourbon no problem. My doctor said what I’m experiencing might be something called ‘the gazebo effect,’ but he’s in the pocket of big pharma so why should I listen to him?”
As smoking rates in the U.S. continue to decline, tobacco companies are increasingly turning to stunts to attract new smokers.
“Smoking is increasingly being viewed as uncool,” said corporate consultant Russ Sylvaine. “I’ve worked with several big tobacco corporations on projects to reshape smoking’s image and entice younger people to light up. I helped bring a Pokémon-inspired brand called Smokémon to market—the slogan was ‘Gotta smoke ‘em all.’ Each cigarette featured an original, if somewhat derivative, cartoon monster printed on the filter. However, Nintendo sued immediately and the product was recalled.”
At press time, R.J. Reynolds’ rival Philip Morris International had announced a new line of Cialis-infused Zyn.
