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5 Weed Strains That Go Terribly With Our Dealer’s Long, Meandering Story

Any true connoisseur of cannabis knows that it’s all about the right pairing. Just as you need the right wine for the right meal, different situations call for different strains of Mary Jane. Unfortunately, our plug is a bit of a talker, and no strain in the world can make his exhaustively pointless story even remotely tolerable.

Here are the top 5 strains of cannabis that make listening to Tommy run his dumb-ass mouth the absolute fucking worst.

5: Black Afghan
This high potency, Indica-dominant hybrid creates a euphoric state of relaxation, but with enough uplifting cerebral effect to avoid the dreaded “couch lock” of similar strains. For regular smokers, it’s a perfect strain for almost any occasion with the glaring exception of being stuck listening to Tommy talk about how he almost didn’t get to see Phish last month, or something. This is hell.

Black Afghan’s high THC level, combined with its pleasing terpenes profile of dark berry and sage, will delay your reaction time just enough that it is literally impossible to derail Tommy’s meaningless, boring diatribe. Seriously it’s been like eight straight minutes, how is he still talking?

4. Green Crack
Talk about a strain that lives up to its name! This tangy, full-on Sativa is so energizing you’ll find yourself wondering what the hell is in it. Unfortunately, its invigorating effects are only making Tommy’s meandering, endless bullshit story all the more unbearable, as our stimulated mind is now excitedly generating literally a million better things to do than sit here and listen to this bullshit. Now he’s on a tangent about how Sill and Olivia broke up, two people I have never met. Jesus Christ, we’re not even really friends!

3. Purple Trainwreck
I feel like I’m in a mental prison. This heavy-duty purp got us so fucked that we admitted we weren’t paying attention and Tommy started the WHOLE STORY over again.

The heavy-ass Indica effects of this strain make every redundant second of Tommy’s bullshit all the more unbearable while simultaneously reinforcing the social paranoia that prohibits us from saying “shut the fuck up dude!” and leaving.

2. Blue Dream
Honestly just trying to smoke myself into a coma at this point. Maybe I’m already in one? Tommy is back to the part he started from, but now he’s talking about how Uber Eats fucked up his Popeye’s last week and he still hasn’t mentioned Phish again since the beginning so we’ve got a long way to go here.

1. Tommy Does NOT Know How To Tell A Story
I have become so numb and lost in the overwhelming details of Tommy’s absolute non-story that I have begun to forget the details of my own life. Do I have a job? A significant other? How did I get here?

Pleasant body high. Watch out for dry mouth and a painfully self-aware mental sundowning.