BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — Lefty, the Hamburger Helper glove, was among the many food-product mascots whose names appear in the Epstein files, newly leaked documents confirm.
“It was the early 2000s. Things were different back then—not that it’s any excuse,” said the repentant Lefty. “I used to go there whenever I was in the city, do some blow, get a massage. I learned quickly not to ask questions about the girls’ age or where they came from. I figured what happened on the island would stay on the island, but it turns out there were cameras all over the kitchen. Epstein was gathering incriminating tape on all of us. I saw some really dark shit there, but I knew that if my involvement became known, General Mills would drop my ass, so I kept my trap shut about the whole thing.”
Poppin’ Fresh, better known as The Pillsbury Doughboy, says he’s willing to tell all in exchange for legal immunity.
“All the mascots used to hang out at Epstein’s: The Jolly Green Giant, Snap, Crackle and Pop, the Keebler Elves. Just about anyone you ever saw on a package at the grocery store would be there partying and having relations with girls of questionable age,” said the haggard-looking doughboy. “I’ve got dirt on every one of those scumbags, and I’ll spill it if I can get some kind of sweetheart deal. I’ll tell everything, like when Frankenberry and Tony the Tiger helped Chef Boyardee get rid of a body after he got a little too enthusiastic with one of the ladies.”
Some of the other implicated mascots have denied wrongdoing altogether.
“I assure you that my client, Mr. Peanut, had no knowledge of what went on in Mr. Epstein’s kitchen,” said lawyer Howard Dennison. “That could be any anthropomorphic peanut with a monocle, top hat and cane in those photos. My firm is preparing defamation suits against the media outlets who published disgusting allegations regarding Mr. Peanut, who is an upstanding brand ambassador. And to the woman who claims her half-peanut/half-human child is the result of an encounter with Mr. Peanut when she was underage—we’ll see you in court.”
At press time, Poppin’ Fresh’s badly burned body had been found in his own oven just days ahead of his scheduled Congressional testimony, where authorities ruled it a suicide.
