We desperately needed to raise our IQ by a few points, so we decided to re-listen to Tool’s five full-length albums and deliver a comprehensive…
CHICAGO — Several Doctors at Rochester University School of Health Sciences were left with a few questions Saturday after examining a man who claimed to…
Tool is a platinum-selling, Grammy-winning, Billboard-topping collection of brilliant artists. Despite selling out arena tours, the average person does not understand the genius of the…
MILWAUKEE — Members of local thrash metal band Differentiator recently committed to reduce environmental harm by wearing white high top shoes that are certified fair…
SEATTLE — Self-proclaimed Twitter activist Rachel Morrow claimed that if they had access to a functioning time machine they would use it to travel back…
NEW PALTZ, N.Y. — 62-year-old Larry Dang’s intensely positive description of a Rush show he attended in 1983 suggests that he is suffering from Stockholm…
BOSTON — Local 39-year-old Tool fan Mark Gibson spent his entire shift last Wednesday angry at the fact that a genius of his magnitude was…
SAN FRANCISCO — Self described “ass-guy” Greg Barker considers his preference for women’s asses over their breasts as admission as a member of the LGBTQ…
CHICAGO — Local bassist Tim Bolz announced this morning that he has “still got it” after remembering how to play a wildly incorrect version of…
As an aspiring pastor, I wish that people were always asking me if I believe Donald Trump is a Godly man. If they did, I…
FLAVORTOWN, Calif. — A quality-of-life ordinance passed by Flavortown’s town council this week will guarantee residents monthly universal chili con carne payments beginning as soon…
A lot of people look at me and see a stay-at-home mama with two beautiful, healthy babies, a home, a hubby, and, yes, flawless white…
I am not a racist. I’m friends with all sorts of different colors of people. Black, white, brown, beige, khaki. Hell, I even love that…
Call me old fashioned but when I first saw that Tim and Annie Lebowitz were “looking for a third” on Tinder I thought that they…
There’s nothing you can do to stop the ravages of time, but if you really want to feel old, you should definitely think about how…