MOLINE, Ill. — Local Dream Theater fan Beth Hillebrand enjoyed unfettered access to the venue’s female washroom thanks to being the only woman in attendance, envious sources report.
“Hell yeah, feels like I’m flying with TSA precheck the way I’m breezing past these lines,” said Hillebrand on her fourth trip to the bathroom. “I mean, the music’s alright, but the real benefit to being one of five female DT fans worldwide – and I know there are five because we’re all in the same group chat – is the quick and easy bathroom access. Do you have any idea how long I normally have to wait when I see most shows? Here, I can actually get smashed, knowing I’ll be able to breeze in and out of the bathroom whenever I want.”
“Another perk is not having anybody hit on me,” added Hillebrand. “Nobody’s even making eye contact. I feel like Medusa over here. This rules.”
Hillebrand’s enthusiasm was not shared by most of the show’s attendees, who faced grueling wait times to use the facilities.
“God, I’m about ready to piss my pants,” said Ryan Hanley, a fellow concertgoer waiting in the half-mile-long line for the men’s room. “At this rate I’m going to miss this entire solo. You’d think somebody would have come up with a solution to this by now. It happens literally every time I see live music, and I go to a ton of prog shows. When will society start designing public spaces for men? The need to add at least 150 more urinals to even make this work.”
The recurring gender imbalance has not gone unnoticed by band management.
“Right, the bathroom thing; it’s been an issue for years now,” said Rikk Feulner, Dream Theater’s tour manager. “Any time there’s a logjam like this, I lie to the guys and tell them a bunch of the toilets are backed up. I think John Myung is starting to get suspicious. Sure it feels bad to lie, especially when I ream out the innocent venue owners, but wouldn’t you rather believe a lie than know every show you play is one big sausage fest? No musician wants that.”
At press time, Hillebrand was seen asking another concertgoer to name five Dream Theater albums.