CLEVELAND — Recently signed hardcore band Pain on Fire discovered this afternoon that their recent promotional photoshoot was marred by a pleasant grin from their…
Metal Guitarist Putting a Bunch of Unnecessary Umlauts in Written Response to Sexual Assault Allegations
By Patrick Coyne
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — The guitarist and songwriter of a popular metal band was accused yesterday of using excessive umlauts in his tacit admission to…
MOLINE, Ill. — Touring death metal band Spoilation reportedly wasted little time before eating drummer Vic Walsh after their tour van broke down, failing to…
AMSTERDAM — The life-long dream of American metal band Goat Machine came true last week when they finally performed a show in Holland for a…
ALLENTOWN, Penn. — Metal diehard James Allen used the online tax filing platform TaxSlayer yesterday to “eviscerate, desecrate, and properly file” his 1040EZ tax return,…
I Know More About This Band Than You, so Don’t Even Try to Have Fun Tonight
By Mark Hassenfratz
Listen here, poser. You think you know this band? Really? What, you started listening to them six weeks ago? And now you’re happy to be…
Metal Album Art Gives Demons Unrealistic Body Expectations
By Rob Steinberg
CITY OF DIS, Hell — 78 percent of demons across the Netherworld experienced feelings of low self-esteem and body issues when subjected to the unrealistic…
Metallica Merch Booth World’s 32nd Largest Economy
By Mark Turner
LOS ANGELES — Metallica’s live concert and online merch booth is now the world’s 32nd largest economy by GDP following another year of unprecedented growth,…
Alice Cooper Unveils Plans for First Republican Goth Golf Course
By Goodrich Gevaart
PHOENIX — Shock rocker Alice Cooper broke ground today on his new Republican-exclusive, goth-themed golf course, “Welcome to My Putt-mare,” developers close to the project…
Buckethead Finally Reveals Origin of Mysterious Nickname
By Ted Pillow
LOS ANGELES — Prolific metal guitarist Buckethead finally revealed the origin of his nickname today at a press conference, settling a long-standing debate once and…
Grind Band Announces Two-Day, 50-City Tour
By Ryan Harnedy
PITTSBURGH — Grindcore band Visceral Womb will embark on a two-day, 50 city-tour in support of their new 65-song LP Biological Excrement Afterbirth, sources confirmed…
These Three Syrian Kids Overcame Every Obstacle to Record a Heavy Metal Album, Which We Give a 2/10
By The Hard Times Staff
In a land decimated by civil war, terrorism, and violence, Syrian musicians have persevered through hell on earth. Thanks to the internet we can finally…
State Fair’s Whitesnake Cover Band Sadly the Real Whitesnake
By Patrick Coyne
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Music fans at the Kentucky State Fair were surprised and depressed last week to learn that what they thought was a Whitesnake…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — EMT student Lindsay Taugida set a record yesterday during a class test in reaching 220 beats-per-minute while performing CPR, officials at the…
CLEVELAND — Tensions erupted earlier this week when local metal band Six Inch Fetus struggled to determine who would be the one member required to…