Hey you. Yeah, you with the choker and the “Vestal Masturbation” shirt. Wow, you really bought that. And you’re wearing that in public. Better you than me, I guess. I don’t need snowflakes yelling at me for wearing a t-shirt.
You must really like Cradle of Filth. I like ’em because they answer the question, “What if Tim Burton adapted an Ann Rice novel?” Cradle’s great and all, but being a fan requires a lotta kayfabe. Hell, if you wanna enjoy Cradle’s music, you need a bigger suspension of disbelief than watching Tara Reid play an archaeologist.
Anyway, since you’re such a Cradle fan, name three stories by H.P. Lovecraft.
“The Call of Cthulhu”? Too obvious. Metallica named a song after it. But since we’re talking Cradle of Filth, let’s talk about their song “Cthulhu Dawn.” Even with lines like “Halitosis of the soul” and “So begins the sibilant world death knell,” it’s skippable because it’s one of their less pretentious tracks. The premier Cradle songs make you cringe when quoted. If Dani Filth’s lyrics were a person, they’d be the dude at Cons who says “M’lady” as he tips his trilby.
“Beyond the Wall of Sleep”? C’mon. You know that one because of Black Sabbath. This story really doesn’t jive with Cradle, though. The sci-fi narrative doesn’t allow for backwards Yoda-speak like “Uncertain words my heart denied” from “Blackest Magick In Practice” and archaic language favored by Dani like “thy,” “thou,” and “thee.” Dani is only really himself when he sounds like a Lord of the Rings character, after all.
“The Dunwich Horror”? There we go. Sure sounds like a Cradle song, doesn’t it? It ain’t, but a line like “[T]he fireflies come out in abnormal profusion to dance to the raucous, creepily insistent rhythms of stridently piping bullfrogs” certainly sounds like Dani’s awesomely ostentatious writing. His try-hard poetry has always been a “fuck you” to rationality and good taste, and the band’s better for it.
So yeah, Cradle of Filth does everything to excess. Then again, Lovecraft sometimes does that, too. As soon as Dani’s done being sued by his former bandmates, maybe he’ll have time to go full Lovecraft on the next Cradle record. Heavily-ringed fingers crossed.
