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Six Key Takeaways From the First Presidential Debate

President Biden and former President Trump met on the debate stage in Georgia last night and reminded Americans that the two-party system is broken and we could do better. President Biden showed his age and frequently lost his train of thought, while Trump made countless false claims. Here are six key points from last night’s debate:

Trump Believes Every Living American Has Already Been Murdered By Someone Who Illegally Crossed the Southern Border

Trump falsely claimed that migrants crossing the border are responsible for the murders of every American citizen. The former president then claimed he had been murdered at least 3 or 4 times by “a mental patient from Mexico” but was brought back to life by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to St. Peter while standing at the Pearly Gates.

Biden Claimed His Deuce Coupe is Undefeated in Street Races

When asked how he would tackle inflation President Biden told a long rambling story about how he fully restored the V-8 engine on his 1932 Ford only using original parts. He claimed he has participated in at least 300 drag races and won every time. He would then treat his friends to root beers at the soda fountain. The story turned somber when he reminisced about how his best friend Slick was killed in a drag race against a rival street gang known as The Dirty Birds.

The Former President Took Credit for the Reunion of The Original Misfits

Trump asserted that he personally moderated discussions between Jerry Only and Glenn Danzig that allowed the two to finally play together again. “Both these men, great men, big muscles, not as big as mine though, they love me. I met with them. We made a deal, I’m the best at deals.”

Biden Claimed the American-Made Bombs Being Dropped On Gaza Are the Safest in the World

The president repeatedly claimed that American bombs only explode people who hold impure thoughts. “If you don’t want to be blown up by an American bomb then just close your eyes, think of how much Jesus loves you, and you will be, um, uh, you will be, Medicare.”

The Traditional “End of Debate” Kiss Seemed Forced and Uninspired

While many people tuned in to see how heated it would get between the candidates, even more people tuned in to witness the sultry kiss that signals the end of presidential debates. However, viewers were left disappointed when the kiss lacked passion, with many political analysts describing it as wooden and incredibly dry.

The American Dynasty Will Come to An End Within the Next 18 Months

When America was founded in 1776 nobody could have predicted it would grow to the greatest superpower in the world. Now, just under 250 years later it’s very clear that this great experiment is over. The phrase “How do I move out of this country?” was Googled so much after the debate that it caused multiple Google servers to self-destruct.