Hey, you with the Sabaton shirt and the over-manicured facial hair that’d make Tony Stark scoff. A power metal fan, huh? Power metal’s for people…
You there. Yeah, you. I see you in that, ahem, “vintage” Strokes t-shirt, leaning against the wall in your ripped jeans and your Chuck Taylors.…
Ah, nothing delights me more than encountering someone with the audacity to declare themselves an artist. Oh, you really are an artist? You swaggered into…
Sick Formulas Fatal to the Flesh shirt, bro. You’re a Morbid Angel fan? Prove it by naming three ancient Sumerian gods. I’ll wait. Yeah, that’s…
So you think you’re a stan of Charli XCX, huh. One of Charli’s Angels? Cute. You’re gonna have to prove it. But don’t go flaunting…
Oh, you’re a libertarian? Yeah bro, I guess that copy of “The Fountainhead” with the pages stuck together you’ve got there should’ve been a clue.…
*TO EDITOR: I’M BEGGING YOU. PLEASE DO NOT PUBLISH.* The Hard Times: Hey, nice shirt. Name 3 songs. Kendall Jenner: Ok. Off which album? Their…
Oh really you’re a “big fan” of R.E.M? Forgive me for seeming incredulous, but your poser ass doesn’t fit the bill. Maybe you caught a…
Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. So you’re my ex, huh? You’re the person I’ve been obsessively constructing imagined conversations with where I regularly…
Oh, you’re bisexual, huh? Sorry, I’m not buying it. You’re probably just in denial or saying that to get guys like me intrigued. Well, joke’s…
Oh you’re into Rogan huh? Well, I call bullshit! You got band-wagon jumping poser written all over you bro. If you’re really a hardcore fan…