WASHINGTON—Representative Haley Stevens, a proud establishment democrat and supporter of Israel, metaphorically and literally reached across the aisle yesterday to endorse Republican candidate Mike Rogers and trip progressive candidate Abdul El-Sayed with an extended leg she hoped he would not see until it was too late, Washington insiders report.
“El-Sayed is a threat to the traditional values of this party, including but not limited to supporting the IDS’s genocide of starving children in Gaza, and inviting me to things,” said Stevens during her traitorous endorsement speech. “The election of candidates like El-Sayed could do irreparable harm to the homogeneity of ideas in Washington Republicans and establishment Democrats have worked so hard to achieve. It is for this reason I am endorsing a Trump-backed Republican candidate, and will attempt to trip El-Sayed with my foot as soon as humanly possible. This is a slippery slope that could lead to actual political choice for everyday Americans—progressives must be stopped by any means necessary.”
Political analyst James Padington weighed in on the rarity of such synergy between America’s right and left.
“Yeah, I haven’t seen Establishment Democrats and Republicans working together like this since, oh, I don’t know, a week ago? Look, they’re the same party, okay? Do people really not understand this? It’s like the WWE; they have their kayfabe and their gimmicks, but at the end of the day everyone works for Vince McMahon. Trust me, I’ve been analysing American politics for 30 years. Do you have any whisky?”
El-Sayed expressed a lack of concern towards Stevens’ last-minute heel turn.
“Yeah, I saw her damned leg,” confirmed El-Sayed when reached for comment. “I was like, ‘Haley, I know that’s your foot, I can see the top of your head sticking out of the pew,’ and she said, ‘Whose Haley? There’s nobody here, just walk!’ Then she made some owl noises. Why would there be a damned owl in the Senate chambers? It was honestly sad; if anything, I felt bad for her. Whatever, I’m over it; she doesn’t matter; none of those people matter.”
At press time, Republican and Democrat leaders were deadlocked in a debate over whether aid to Israel this year should total 4 billion, or 2 billion twice.
