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10 Reasons Why Tool Fans Are Smarter Than You, According To Me, A Tool Fan

Tool is a platinum-selling, Grammy-winning, Billboard-topping collection of brilliant artists. Despite selling out arena tours, the average person does not understand the genius of the band. We do. Here are 10 reasons why Tool fans are smarter than you.

Tool fans don’t need to be spoon fed

Unlike fans of mainstream crap, we don’t need frivolous radio-friendly ditties, short album runtimes, or even actual “songs.” We appreciate recorded answering machine messages, cookie recipes, and nine minutes of literal crickets even more than the music. Sorry if that offends your conformist sensibilities, simpletons.

Tool fans understand genius

Maynard James Keenan devoted his life to strategically deploying truth into our ears.
In the brilliantly titled, “Rosetta Stoned,” Maynard illustrates the torment of being a vessel of enlightenment, “Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position. Such a heavy burden now to be the one. Born to bear and bring to all the details of our ending. To write it down for all the world to see. But I forgot my pen, shit the bed again, Typical.”

He just described martyrdom better than thousands of years of religion and literature. It’s simple – either you get it, you don’t, or you’re just jealous. It’s our obligation to delve into the subtle scientific and philosophical ideas embedded in the work, share our observations and theories with those that get it, and protect the art by pushing down fake fans at the merch booth.

Tool fans understand music theory

Tool’s music is technical and difficult to listen to, which makes it important. To appreciate Tool, you must possess an artist’s ear. You don’t just listen to Tool, you engage with it. But these musical savants take it beyond the conventional pop garbage. They created their own time signatures that only they possess the skill to play in, but try explaining that to the DJ who won’t play “Prison Sex” at your cousin’s wedding.

Tool fans do the work

Tool songs aren’t written, they are constructed. Tool albums are precisely engineered. Anyone with a brain knows Tool wrote the song “Lateralus” based on the Fibonacci Sequence. It’s all about expanding reality and the elasticity of time. But that’s entry level stuff. The most diligent of fans know that if you rearrange the track listing of the Lateralus album in the Fibonacci Sequence, you get a whole new secret record, dubbed the “Holy Gift.”

Fucking brilliant, right? This is how deep you have to get to truly appreciate Tool, after all, we know the pieces fit, because we watched them fall away…

Tool fans are educated

Listening to any Tool album is a crash course in transcendentalism, linguistics, spiritualism, mathematics, mysticism, symbolism, and the chakras. Listening to multiple Tool albums in full over and over is like internalizing the Library of Congress, the Library of Alexandria, and the Dead Sea Scrolls all at once. Spend one day reading the lyrics to Tool songs, and you’ll be smarter than all of the teachers at Park Vista Community High School. Spend weeks studying the lyrics and you definitely don’t need college, so it actually doesn’t matter that I dropped out, dad.

Tool fans love a challenge

Maynard is a military man, a Brazilian Jiu-jitsu master, and a celebrated winemaker. He is a perfectionist and expects nothing less from us.

When he says we’re insufferable, pranks us on social media, and refers to us with ableist slurs, he is just challenging us to look deeper.

Why else would he write song after song about butt stuff? That would turn any casual listener away, but the chosen few take the invitation to explore the deeper meaning of “Stinkfist.”

Tool fans are patient

There were three years between Undertow and Ænima, then five years passed before Lateralus was released. There was another five years wait for 10,000 Days. 13 years later Tool bestowed us with Fear Inoculum. There are precious few fandoms that would tolerate this, but we relish it.

We yearn for Tool to produce more awesomeness, but we know the best is yet to come, as long as it’s heavy, meaningful, and doesn’t change drastically from one album to the next.

Tool fans aren’t afraid of controversy

The average person can’t deal with a band that upholds anti-establishment principles. Their precious minds can’t handle when a band goes against the grain, shuns public attention, and rails against music industry censorship.

We are the same way. Even when the band members themselves specifically insult us, sues everyone involved with their album art, and make us wait a decade between album releases, it just weeds out the unworthy. Tool’s not afraid to treat their loyal fans like shit, and that just makes us love them even more.

Tool fans have a sense of humor

Just because Tool explores the darkest depths of humanity, doesn’t mean their albums don’t include hilarious Easter eggs.

I’m literally laughing out loud just thinking about how they snuck 69 tracks onto the Undertow CD, how the album title Ænima is Anima (Latin for soul) plus enema, and the song, “Die Eier Von Satan” means “The Balls of Satan.”

Their throwaway jokes they put in are as brilliant as the funniest episodes of “Rick and Morty” and Bill Maher (two shows, by the way, that only Tool fans are smart enough to understand).

Tool fans don’t need therapy

Tool’s lyrics are so introspective, you don’t need some doctor’s phony empathy. Getting your fucking mind blown musically beats anti-depressants any day. Next time your parents, or ex wife, or some county judge insists you go speak with someone, tell them you’ll just listen to Undertow instead.