For kids, Halloween is all about candy. For parents, it’s an opportunity to show said children that Mommy and Daddy still have incredibly healthy libidos. Whether you and your spouse are off to a “grown-up party” or just taking the kids trick or treating, Halloween is the perfect time to burden your children psychologically with the fact that you guys can barely keep it in your pants half the goddamn time.
Pirates
A tried and true classic, pirate costumes can be found from Spirit Halloween to Dollar Tree, making them an ideal choice for any budget. It’s also an ideal choice for your bizarre predilection for perving the fuck out right in front of your freaking kids. A whole pillowcase full of king size Reese’s won’t be enough for your kids to suppress the thinly veiled “plundering booty” and “peg leg” jokes Dad is sure to make before making out with wench-Mom HARD.
Plug/outlet
Available in one version or another at most major costume outlets, what this couple’s costume lacks in titillation it more than makes up for in implication. It is suggestiveness that literally a child can pick up on; namely your child, who is fucking horrified by this way more than they are by any Freddy or Jason movie.
Cop/criminal
This one hits hard. Not only is the cop costume available almost exclusively in “sexy” versions for either gender, the cop/criminal angle will have you expressing what is clearly a long pre-established kink dynamic right in front of your goddamned kids. Jesus, why are you guys like this?
The Shining Twins
Okay this one isn’t even inherently sexy, you guys are just making it that way because you’re gross. Seriously, you’re both dressed as dead, blood-related children, what the fuck is hot about this to you? Can’t you guys ever crack a second White Claw without behaving like wild animals right in the goddamned kitchen? Knock it off!
Lilo and Stitch
Alright you guys are just sick, you hear me? SICK. Lilo and Stitch? One of you is wearing a giant bag in the shape of a cartoon mouse alien, stop making out like that! Literally the only Disney property without hidden sexual undertones and you two are about to go at it like mad right on the table where all of us eat. Disgusting.
When I’m 16, I am so getting emancipated.