Aww! This adorable little boy loves retro ‘80s stuff because he’s a walking monument to his dad’s crippling nostalgia! Even though he was born in…
EAST NORTHPORT, N.Y. — Local teen Roderick Evans attempted last night to do the trick where you stab a knife between your outstretched fingers, disappointing…
Being a socialist means I believe in income equality, universal healthcare, and affordable housing, but it sure as fuck doesn’t mean I can’t watch reruns…
Life is meaningless, our world is in flames, and all hope is futile. But just because I’m dead on the inside does not mean I…
MIAMI — Protestors gathered for yesterday’s “All Lives Matter” rally quickly realized that they all already knew each other thanks to last year’s “Pro-Death Penalty”…
Our deepest, most sincere apologies to the family and friends of 1918 flu survivor Mortimer Pyle. We recently sat down with Mr. Pyle to discuss…
NEW YORK — Legendary television producer Lorne Michaels conceded last week that it was a mistake to have the highly infectious novel coronavirus host “Saturday…
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local conspiracy theorist Vinnie Logano discovered a secret plot yesterday to kick him out of the “BFF Forever” group chat, according to…
ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp announced that the state will close hospitals, re-open bars, and “just let God do his thing or whatever he’s…
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Quarantined father Chris Denny is struggling with his son’s 33-piece jigsaw puzzle after drinking almost an entire 12-pack of beer by himself,…
NORTHPORT, N.Y. — 17-year-old Alex Powell’s LSD stash was flushed down the toilet moments ago and will be replaced with a weekend full of “learning…
SEATTLE — Punk band Knuckle Fist is being forced to give 80% of their economic stimulus check to their record label, according to perplexed sources…
Coronavirus can’t melt steel beams, sheeple! Have you got that through your thick skulls yet? It must be hard when your cognitive functioning is fucked…
HUNTINGTON, N.Y. — A punk show scheduled to happen in local teen Mike Lennox’s basement was canceled yesterday afternoon after his mom came home with…
PHILADELPHIA — St. Patrick’s Day revelers at Rocco’s Lounge realized moments ago that the green beer they’re drinking is not a holiday gimmick, visibly unwell…