Stay home, everybody! Please limit this year’s Thanksgiving celebration to include only the people you live with. Larger gatherings could have potentially fatal consequences, especially…
Misinformation is running rampant in our streets and in our newsfeeds! We are being manipulated and outside influence is taking hold of our personal decisions…
WASHINGTON — A panicked President Trump is debating whether releasing his infamous “pee tape” would help or hurt his chances in the upcoming election, confirmed…
What up ‘90s kids! Remember waking up early on Saturday morning to watch cartoons while plowing through an entire box of Cookie Crisp? Do you?…
Dinner was supposed to be served 45 minutes ago and I haven’t even pre-heated the oven yet. But who cares about eating? This lasagna recipe…
LONDON — Researchers at the London Institute of Hard Rock released new scientific findings today that suggest some British proto-metal bands were capable of starting…
BETHESDA, Md. — Uber Eats is critically overburdened by President Trump’s quarantine and is begging for FEMA assistance after just a few days, according to…
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — Everyone attending last night’s Twenty One Pilots drive-in concert at Metlife Stadium kept their seatbelt on throughout the entire show, confirmed…
We recently sat down with renowned intellectual Noam Chomsky for an illuminating discussion on political systems, linguistics, and the state of the world. Unfortunately, the…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Metal band Beneath the Bottomless Pit added blond-haired guitarist Kevin Slater to their line-up yesterday, fulfilling a diversity initiative mandated by their…
Am I the future of Gonzo journalism? I sure hope so, because my behavior today endangered my marriage, traumatized my son, and may result in…
America is being destroyed by the liberal elite and it makes me absolutely sick. And it would’ve made my dad sick, too. After all, he…
MILWAUKEE — Activist metalhead Ricky Miranda vowed today to fight tirelessly for racial justice, as well as the right to carry gigantic broadswords onto commercial…
Aww! This adorable little boy loves retro ‘80s stuff because he’s a walking monument to his dad’s crippling nostalgia! Even though he was born in…
EAST NORTHPORT, N.Y. — Local teen Roderick Evans attempted last night to do the trick where you stab a knife between your outstretched fingers, disappointing…