ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local conspiracy theorist Vinnie Logano discovered a secret plot yesterday to kick him out of the “BFF Forever” group chat, according to…
ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp announced that the state will close hospitals, re-open bars, and “just let God do his thing or whatever he’s…
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Quarantined father Chris Denny is struggling with his son’s 33-piece jigsaw puzzle after drinking almost an entire 12-pack of beer by himself,…
NORTHPORT, N.Y. — 17-year-old Alex Powell’s LSD stash was flushed down the toilet moments ago and will be replaced with a weekend full of “learning…
SEATTLE — Punk band Knuckle Fist is being forced to give 80% of their economic stimulus check to their record label, according to perplexed sources…
Coronavirus can’t melt steel beams, sheeple! Have you got that through your thick skulls yet? It must be hard when your cognitive functioning is fucked…
HUNTINGTON, N.Y. — A punk show scheduled to happen in local teen Mike Lennox’s basement was canceled yesterday afternoon after his mom came home with…
PHILADELPHIA — St. Patrick’s Day revelers at Rocco’s Lounge realized moments ago that the green beer they’re drinking is not a holiday gimmick, visibly unwell…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Probation officer Morris Berger is the closest thing struggling punk band Muskrat Funeral has to a tour manager, according to sources who…
WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence announced plans today to protect American citizens from the coronavirus by sending all infected to a faith-based conversion therapy…
Get the hell out of my way! I just got here an hour late and I’m shitfaced but it’s my God-given right to be directly…
BOSTON — Extremely sweaty attendees at a Four Year Strong “Brain Pain” record release show report the band has been playing the same breakdown for…
Beck’s genre-defying “Odelay” is considered one of the best albums of the ‘90s, but how does it hold up over 20 years later? To answer…
WASHINGTON — XFL players from the Seattle Dragons and DC Defenders kneeling during the National Anthem at the league’s inaugural game were merely suffering from…
SAN DIEGO — Members of chillwave band Hookah Sesh are engaged in a heated internal struggle to establish the beta of the group, according to…