SAN DIEGO — The Nine Inch Nails merch table was once again sold out of medium-sized mesh tank tops within 25 minutes of doors opening, according to irritated sources forced to wear regular shirts for once.
“I understand the frustration of fans who were hoping to pick up a $59.95 mesh tank from one of our stands,” acknowledged Duane Funkel, Merchandising Manager for the long-running industrial rock band. “We thought we stocked enough of them, but the incredible demand outpaced our expectations. To be honest, a lot of the people complaining don’t really have the body for a transparent mesh tank, but that’s neither here nor there. Nonetheless, we carry plenty of other medium-sized items any NIN fan is sure to love. We still have medium leather pants, trench coats, and steampunk welding goggles. Those are sure to please any diehard Trent-head.”
The recurring problem has led many to point a finger at the band’s frontman, Trent Reznor, who responded to the backlash.
“There’s a malicious rumor going around that it was me who bought all of the medium mesh tanks,” objected Reznor as he took a break from his post-show ritual of using a Oujia board and getting totally spooked. “That’s ridiculous. First of all, I can tell you’re staring at the shirt I have on right now. It’s fishnet, not mesh. Do these morons even know the difference? Second of all, I’m an XL. The reports on the internet of me being 5’7” are completely false. I’m a tall, scary boy and I don’t wear mediums!”
According to journalist Stella Atkins, plenty of other bands have had similar issues with iconic merch items.
“Many artists and musicians have their own version of the coveted NIN tank,” explained Atkins. “Ramones fans wear leather jackets, Pearl Jam fans wear flannel, and Pantera fans…well, they’re usually shirtless. But my point is that when there is one specific thing associated with a band, you can expect it to sell out quickly. Sometimes, it can spread beyond the merch table and impact worldwide supplies. After all, who could forget when Breaking Benjamin and Puddle of Mudd toured, causing the worldwide Jorts Shortage of 2008?”
As of press time, Funkel announced that the merch table had also unfortunately run out of pentagram necklaces, corsets, and SPF 250 sunblock.