February 2021 - HARDTIMES

Nintendo Celebrates Metroid’s 35th Anniversary With 30-Minute Moment of Silence

Giovanni Colantonio • February 28, 2021

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo acknowledged the 35th anniversary of its beloved Metroid franchise with a new Direct presentation that featured…

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Rob Zombie Narrows Exhaustive Search for Star of New Movie Down to His Wife

Nathan Kamal • February 28, 2021

LOS ANGELES — Filmmaker and occasional musician Rob Zombie has completed an exhaustive search of over 1,000 actresses to star…

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“You’re All Caught Up” Pleads Concerned Instagram

Taylor Roebuck • February 28, 2021

PITTSBURGH — Local Instagram user Charlie Guerrero found a distressed message at the bottom of her feed yesterday, stating that…

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Here’s What the Cast of Seinfeld Looks Like Today but With Devilocks

Bobby Korec • February 28, 2021

What’s the deal with the cast of "Seinfeld" today? And more importantly, what do they look like now, but with…

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Doctors Use Dental Records to Identify Body of Alive and Well Keith Richards

Bobby Korec • February 28, 2021

WESTON, Conn. — Local physicians used dental records yesterday to identify the body of legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards…

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Archaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient Rome

CJ Hernandez • February 27, 2021

ROME — After reconstructing an ancient piece of pottery featuring various Roman gladiators categorized by their perceived strength, ability, and…

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Unemployed Kevin Sorbo Sends Ben Shapiro His Headshot Just in Case

Bobby Korec • February 27, 2021

LOS ANGELES — Out-of-work actor and outspoken conservative Kevin Sorbo sent his professional headshot to political commentator and apparent filmmaker…

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Inspiring: This Woman Spent the Pandemic Turning All of Her Underwear Into Period Underwear

Krissy Howard • February 27, 2021

LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Local woman Bette DeVargas made use of her time home during the Coronavirus pandemic by turning…

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If Huffing Glue Is Wrong, Why Can’t I Feel My Face and Where Am I?

Jus Kaplan • February 27, 2021

I’m sick and tired of the double standard when it comes to drug use in this country. If you want…

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Hardcore Scene Rebrands as Running Group

Dan Vanderpool • February 27, 2021

OAKLAND, Calif. — The local Oakland hardcore scene announced today that it will collectively convert to being a heavily tattooed…

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