LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Local woman Bette DeVargas made use of her time home during the Coronavirus pandemic by turning every single pair of her underwear into panties reserved for soaking up period blood each month, sources report.
“Honestly, it wasn’t even something I was planning to do — it started out as an accident when my period showed up a few days early last August or May or whatever, who can remember,” DeVargas said of the months-long project she started and completed while in quarantine. “By January, I only had one pair of unstained underwear left, but thanks to two blood-thinning Tylenol and one Diva Cup I was just unwilling to empty out before bed on night two of my last period, we brought it all the way home.”
DeVargas attributes the success of the project to factors like boredom, living in the same sweatpants for weeks on end, and a baseline level of constant depression that may or may not be symptomatic of the current state of the world.
“I guess when it comes to allowing myself to just bleed out like a stuck pig all over my clothes every month, I’d have to credit my general lack of ability to stay on top of anything other than my basic human needs… along with the impending sense of hopelessness and dread I feel every day,” DeVargas explained. “Also, the fact that the waistbands are totally blown out on basically all of my underwear certainly helped with the whole ‘getting dark red blood that smells like iron and dead shit’ all over them thing. I’m not really one to believe in fate, per se, but it is kind of curious how this whole thing just kinda came together.”
Experts report that staying occupied has been an important part of getting through a year-long lockdown.
“We’ve witnessed people coping in a number of ways, from almost ordering Rosetta Stone before abandoning the purchase once they’ve realized their credit card is in the other room, to seeing if slippers technically count as shoes enough to enter the post office,” said clinical psychologist Dr. Marian Tan. “I’ve taken to endlessly scrolling until the days all blend together, which works great. It’s all about finding the right fit for your lifestyle.”
After successful completion, DeVargas has moved on to her new “pandemic project” — seeing how long she can ignore being stabbed in the tit by the broken underwire poking out of the one bra she wears to some Zoom meetings.