WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Local punk Niles Torsten displayed the “LOV” and “HAT” tattoos on his gnarled fingers last night while warning partygoers about improper…
MESA, Ariz. — Local man Jeffrey Woodward is running out of good sides of his mouth to chew with, thanks to his lack of dental…
WASHINGTON — Pop-punk frontmen from around the country marched in the nation’s capital today advocating for the federal minimum age of consent to be lowered…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Pop-punk frontman and legal adult Brandon DeMarco combed through his teen girlfriend’s diary last night for inspiration, in a desperate attempt to…
FORT WALTON BEACH, Fla. — A bowl of overnight oats successfully converted last week into a barely recognizable “glob of total shit” nearly one month…
OMAHA, Neb. — A decades-old Rancid T-shirt finally crossed the threshold last week from a piece of dingy, raggedy garbage that offended all who gazed…
FILLMORE, Minn. — Researchers confirmed today that crust punk James “Pyrofuck” Polinita is officially the first human completely immune to Chronic Wasting Disease — popularly…
HOUSTON — Tragedy nearly stuck at a nearby Long John Silver’s last Sunday when no concerned patrons or workers felt comfortable administering CPR on choking…
AUCKLAND, N.Z. — Property developers demolishing iconic local venue the Queens Arms sold the impossibly sticky floor to an international flypaper manufacturer on Wednesday, as…
EVANSVILLE, Ind. — Local delivery driver Mitchell Jenkins derailed a casual marijuana session on Thursday night after hitting a communal bowl with what witnesses called…
RENO, Nev. — Touring hardcore outfit Hammer Envy received a single, damp towel last night to share amongst the four of them while staying at…
Christmas is rapidly approaching. Malls are abuzz with holiday shoppers and many folks are starting to put up their decorations and resume yuletide traditions of…
PORTLAND, Ore. — David Hendershot, the friend who has bragged about his homemade kombucha for the past three months, finally figured out the perfect gift…
RICHMOND, VA – Despite a line extending out into the backyard, a select number of show-goers at local house venue Tire Fire learned of an…
INDIO, CA – As summer 2016 rapidly approaches, sources reported that a weary and exhausted Port-O-Potty is terrified at having to face yet another season…
