NEW YORK – Local punk Chris Lanning was recently caught in the embarrassing act of cutting both an all-beef frank and blow with the same razor blade, disgusted girlfriends confirm.
“I guess sharing food and some hellride toot-toot is gross to some people. Sure, the hot dogs were ice-cold in the middle and my lines were brown and chunky, but I’m not complaining about a free meal and a bump,” Lanning cried while blinking uncontrollably and playing Scrabble against himself. “No way it was as good as ballpark blow, but those dogs gave our mouths something to do while we blasted off into–well, it wasn’t space, but it was at least Staten Island. If my girlfriend thinks this is weird, well, she shouldn’t be dating someone who’s nickname is Grease Rat.”
Despite the cross-contamination, Lanning’s girlfriend Lexi Green waited until she had done the free drugs to pretend to receive an urgent text from a friend.
“When I went back to Chris’s place, I thought we would order pizza, do some drugs, and screw, but it got fuckin’ whack when Chris started cutting hot dogs into thin little circles like they were for a 4-year-old,” Green complained. “I don’t understand why he A) cut the hot dog with a razor blade in the first place, and B) used the same implement for the blow instead of a credit card like a normal person. I don’t think he even wiped it off because the rail was super greasy. I think he snorted some mustard, too, which is when I knew I needed to pretend to be there for a friend.”
Former D.A.R.E. officer David Cunningham sees this story that’s reminiscent of a Limp Bizkit album as a cautionary tale.
“You should never go to someone’s house if they give a ‘cheap hot dogs’ vibe. If you can tell they’re going to give you white bread and ketchup like a babysitter from the 80s, you should bail,” Cunningham scoffed while distributing free brochures to children. “I never ride the white horse unless I see the product first and also have a direct line to the good Hebrew National franks. Otherwise, you’re in for a killer stomach ache on both accounts.”
As of press time, Lanning was spotted using the very same razor blade to shave his face, neck, and pubes.