NEW YORK – Local punk Chris Lanning was recently caught in the embarrassing act of cutting both an all-beef frank and blow with the same…
HARRISON, N.Y. — Executives at PepsiCo announced the launch of a new beverage called Pepsi Boneless which they hope will break through the discerning Gen…
SYDNEY — An enlightening new study from researchers at The University of Sydney found that the majority of sea turtles get straws stuck up their…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Southern woman and recreational drug user Darlene Abbot reportedly refers to every amphetamine or stimulant simply as “coke,” citing cultural norms and…
BURBANK, Calif. — Hollywood is abuzz amidst reports that one of its most fabled power couples, acclaimed director Martin Scorsese and his ‘70s muse, a…
LOS ANGELES — Former precocious one-year-old and current convicted felon on parole Tommy Pickles, now 31, allegedly muttered to himself “a baby’s gotta do what…
CHICAGO — Local punk Gary “Crutch” Burke’s girlfriend Jacquelyn Flowers, who helped Burke get off of drugs, stop living on the street, and is paying…
SCARSDALE, N.Y — Local mom Penelope Chapman is under fire today for letting her underage children buy stocks from home instead of waiting until they…
LOS ANGELES — Local fuckup Jerry Millwater’s 2021 New Year’s resolution of “practice more self-care” is concerned about its upcoming fight with the overwhelming force…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Gamer Brian Kology was disappointed after his attempt at livening up a rooftop party by bringing his Nintendo Switch along resulted in…
ONEONTA, N.Y. — Patrons at punk venue The Station report that the only functioning fixture in the entire bathroom is local coke dealer Reese Wicker,…
There’s no doubt about it: Punk is dying. Whether it’s gentrification, mainstream exposure, or just a monumental shift in the scene, one thing is abundantly…
Move over El Chapo, there’s a new kingpin in town and he’s going to melt your heart! Jake Grenier got into selling cocaine for the…
ATLANTA — After hours of careful deliberation, unmotivated merch designer/bassist Alex Castello has announced he isn’t going to worry about using copyrighted material on future…