BOSTON — An adorable beginning to a relationship happened today as two punks had a meet-cute while accidentally Lady and the Tramp-ing line of cocaine, sources confirmed.
“I just saw this really cute rail,” said punk Chad Tinto. “I go in for a snort of that booger sugar, and next thing you know my forehead is knocking with the most angelic forehead I’ve ever seen. I asked for her name and she loudly snorted and said ‘holy fuck that’s the spot’ before telling me her name is Sandra in between a few violent sniffs. I don’t know if it was the music, the vibe, or the cocaine rushing through my bloodstream and dripping down the back of my throat, but I’d never seen a more beautiful woman with a nosebleed in my life.”
The feeling appeared to be mutual, as Sandra Potter was equally enchanted with the Prince Charming to her Snow White.
“I had just done a line of coke, so at that moment I really wanted to do another,” explained Potter. “I suddenly notice that there’s this really hunky dude across from me. I held the bridge of my nose and leaned back, so I wasn’t able to get a perfect look at him, but I knew he was a stud. And stud’s know where to get more cocaine. So he and I started dancing, and I whispered in his ear that I wanted more Colombian Dancing Powder. He said he did too. Our minds were already one, we already had the same goals. And those goals remain the pursuit of more drugs.”
Although the meeting seemed to be a stroke of luck, it actually might have been more preordained than that.
“I spent hours carefully arranging bumps and lines around my apartment,” said party host and secret matchmaker Dani Rew. “I walked around my place seeing couples get together for the first time, sharing a mutual love for free drugs. Of course half of them were just snorting baby powder, but that didn’t change the magic. I’ve got this big mirrored coffee table, and that thing is basically Tinder, with cocaine. Also one of these lines is bath salts. Russian Roulette, motherfuckers.”
At press time, Potter ran home, and Tinto was only left with only her unique coke necklace to find her.