DETROIT — Punk rock loving octogenarian Edith Bettencourt placed a pan of her fresh, warm crack cocaine on her kitchen windowsill to cool, according to…
Cocaine: it’s the fuel that allows the food service industry to even exist. But that wonderful and horrid powder does more than just prop up…
LOWELL, Mass. — Local addict Sam Agnew asked his coke hookup to keep his tab open after the drug dealer upgraded to a cashless system…
INDIANAPOLIS – Local woman Kristen Wise’s pinky nail groomed specifically for the consumption of cocaine also has surprising snack-related benefits, multiple witnesses with red fingers…
BEDFORD, Ind. — Grocery store clerk Max Bryce recently experienced an ego death after ingesting over five grams of psychedelic mushrooms, regained said ego after…
I’ve been hearing a lot of complaining about Ticketmaster and how they have a stronghold on the ticketing industry, but I’m going to tell you…
GRASS VALLEY, Calif. — Local bar The Blasthole is reportedly taking a stand against woke culture by maintaining strictly gendered bathrooms at all times that…
Not to be dramatic, but I would rather listen to a parrot read the Old Farmer’s Almanac from start to finish than hear this woman’s…
NEW YORK – Local punk Chris Lanning was recently caught in the embarrassing act of cutting both an all-beef frank and blow with the same…
DURHAM, N.C. — Local drug hookup Benjamin Wertner is reportedly only known to clients by his first name and one of the assortments of narcotics…
Seriously? You work part-time at Uptown Gourmet Hotdog Shoppe and yet I know for a goddamn fact you’re on your third eight ball this month.…
You have seen “Stranger Things,” right? Oh my god that show is so brilliant, I mean just from a marketing standpoint, cashing in on all…
SYDNEY — An enlightening new study from researchers at The University of Sydney found that the majority of sea turtles get straws stuck up their…
PALMDALE, Calif. — Local fuel sniffer, Seth Carr, purchased several grams of heavily cut cocaine in response to historically high gas prices and the need…
Damn it, dude! They’ve gotta be here somewhere, but I can’t find ‘em! Have you seen my… uh… you know… uh… Ideas? YEAH! Ideas! I…