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Punk Dad Disgusted Men’s Room Doesn’t Have a Changing Table to Do Coke Off Of

ATHENS, Ga. — Local punk Adam Rondeau was absolutely outraged that a venue did not provide a changing table in the men’s room so he could snort cocaine off of it, confirmed sources who said that he wasn’t technically wrong.

“It’s offensive and archaic that only women get changing tables in their bathrooms.

In this day and age, are we still holding onto the outdated notion that only women can do lines and the men only freebase? That is sexist and backward, I don’t want to go back to a time of doing lines off toilet seats. I’m an adult, not some teenage G.G. Allin wannabe,” said Rondeau, as he used Kirkland Signature Ultra Soft Baby Wipes to clean his nose. “Nonbinary and female-identifying people deserve a safe space, so I felt like a real piece of shit standing outside the women’s room announcing, ‘There’s a dad here, I’m coming in to use the changing table.’ Luckily they were cool with it, but come on, it’s 2024. Equality means men get to use changing tables for all our coke-related needs, too.”

Staff at The Hairy Dawg had not heard such concerns before.

“I get complaints all the time when we cut people off or get accused of watering down our drinks, but this was the first time I’ve ever gotten yelled at by a middle-aged man in a baby bjorn moaning about a lack of Koala Kares in the restroom,” said Manager Kelly Lorman. “Most of the time people just do their coke off the booth in the back, known as the snort corner. The tabletop is glass for a reason, dude. Besides, those changing tables can’t be sanitary, right?”

This dissatisfaction has led to a growing movement of fathers fighting back against perceived injustice.
“I put a changing room in every blueprint I do,” said Gustavo Wagner, a fatherhood advocate and architect from Studio MCC Architecture and Design. “These businesses just X them out most of the time. A solid changing table averages about $100. They just don’t want to pay for them since it’s not ‘legally required.’ I’ve heard stories of dads forced to do lines off the floor. We simply cannot go back to a time where fathers had to use gaudy coke spoons or grow coke nails.”

At press time, Rondeau was seen complaining to a Panera Bread cashier for allowing a mother to breastfeed in the dining room despite not being permitted to drink the six-pack of beer that he brought from home.