Opinion: All Packaging Is Sustainable if You Eat It
So there I was, already late to my buddy’s house show because snipping all the plastic beer rings was taking…
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RJ Atkinson
13 stories found
Report: America’s Primary Source of Education Fun Facts on the Sides of U-Haul Trucks
SANTE FE, N.M. — A recent study revealed that America’s primary source of education has been reduced to fun facts…
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Study Confirms ‘Two Beers In’ Even Better 12 Beers In
EVANSTON, Ill. — A recent study out of Northwestern University confirmed that Free Throw’s iconic midwest emo anthem “Two Beers…
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Opinion: I’m Watching a Graphic Sex Scene on This Flight, and There Isn’t a Goddamn Thing Any of You Can Do About It
Well, well, well. The gang’s all here. And by “the gang,” I mean me, this awesome sex scene, and everyone…
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Glitch in the Matrix? I Started Drinking and Now It’s Four Days Later
Not to startle you, but I’m currently 8 beers deep. Which means if you’re reading this, I may already be…
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Burnt Out Teacher Way More Excited for Career Day Presentations Than the Kids
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local over-worked teacher Jason Nance was far more interested in her class’s Career Day presentations than her…
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Misogynist Who Can’t Get a Second Date Starting to Wonder if Maybe It’s Him, in Addition to the Liberal Media
EASTON, Md. — Local misogynist Bryce Turner is starting to suspect that he, in addition to MSNBC, are to blame…
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Sleepytime Tea Bear Dies in House Fire After Once Again Falling Asleep, Leaving Fireplace Unattended
SLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. — Beloved slumber icon Sleepytime Tea Bear reportedly died in an apparent house fire after falling asleep…
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Nihilist Doctor Recommends More Sleep So Your Meaningless Life Goes By Faster
NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Local doctor, and self-described nihilist, recommended more sleep for better mood, improved brain function, and a…
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Hardcore Kid Who Doesn’t Participate in Gym Class Most Athletic Student in School
EVANSVILLE, Ind. — Local hardcore kid Jackson Gattis is reportedly the most athletic student at his school despite his complete…
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