Doctors Recommend Disappointingly Low Number of Lunch Beers
SEATTLE — The World Health Organization formally recommended people only consume a disappointingly low number of beers at lunch, citing…
Read More →
Shane Pauker
14 stories found
Minimalist Couple Uninterested in Adding a Third
DENVER — Minimalists Mark Blake and Tara Owens expressed no interest in adding other partners to their relationship, sources in…
Read More →
New Ayatollah From Chicago
TEHRAN — Following Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s assassination in Operation Epic Fury, the Islamic Republic of Iran has appointed its first…
Read More →
Marco Rubio Working Two Jobs to Starve Kids
WASHINGTON — Florida Senator Marco Rubio is being forced to take two jobs to keep kids going hungry, confirmed sources. …
Read More →
London Awards Charli XCX Key Bump to the City
LONDON — The City of London has awarded longtime resident Charli XCX the Key Bump to the City, sources confirmed.…
Read More →
Tyler, the Creator Locked in Eternal Cosmic Struggle with Tyler, the Destroyer
LOS ANGELES — Musician Tyler, the Creator’s struggle with rival cosmic entity Tyler, the Destroyer is projected to reign eternal,…
Read More →
Crowd Apparently Feeling “Whoo” Tonight
AKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the…
Read More →
Chicago Teen Praying Riot Fest’s Lineup Includes Reunion of His Divorced Parents
CHICAGO — Teenager Liam Mason is desperately holding out hope that Riot Fest’s mystery lineup will include a reunion of…
Read More →
The Wiggles and Raffi to Headline When We Were Even Younger Festival
LAS VEGAS — Organizers announced that kids’ music legends The Wiggles and Raffi will headline the upcoming When We Were…
Read More →
Concert Attendee Gnaws Off Own Ankle After Stepping in Spilled Beer Sticky Trap
OAKLAND, Calif. — Concertgoer Seth Mosley had no choice but to chew off his own foot after it got stuck…
Read More →