LAS VEGAS — Organizers announced that kids’ music legends The Wiggles and Raffi will headline the upcoming When We Were Even Younger festival, confirmed sources.
“Former scene kids bought When We Were Young tickets by the fistful just to experience a weekend of nostalgia. We knew other age brackets would have the same success,” stated festival organizer Ashley Corn. “Our staff of Freudian analysts say that infancy is the next-best period for capitalizing on fans’ psychosexual development, so we jumped on the opportunity. When We Were Even Younger will bring all of the biggest names in kid rock to a common stage. Attendees will get to listen to the biggest artists they loved when they were in elementary school and didn’t know any better. The VIP package will include a meet and greet with Barney.”
The spin-off festival quickly found an audience willing to pay for non-prog songs about whales and fruit.
“I saw these musicians as a kid, but I don’t remember any of their sets,” explained festival ticket holder Mark Sanchez. “Now I’m going to see them as a bonafide grown-up. I can’t wait to see ‘Fruit Salad’ in the sober lucidity of a music festival in the desert. I’m going to remember these moments for the rest of my life. And even if I don’t — well, when I was a kid, what happened in my diaper stayed in my diaper. As I understand it, Vegas is kind of like the diaper of adulthood. Whatever happens can stay there.”
The headliners couldn’t wait to play a different kind of show than what they were used to.
“I’ve had 34 years of crying and screaming and teething from the audience. I just want sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll without judgy side-eyes from the chick in the dinosaur costume,” complained Anthony Field, the last original Wiggle still in the band. “It’s not some glamorous lifestyle as a touring kids’ musician. You’re crashing on the Gymboree floor for naptime and hoping your gear doesn’t get stolen out of your comically undersized Big Red Car. And it’s not like you can party in between gigs; you can’t do a bump off a key that’s jingling in front of you. This Wiggle needs to cut loose and live out the lifestyle he’s earned.”
At press time, They Might Be Giants were rumored to join the lineup as well, but it remains unclear whether they will play any of their child-oriented content.