Press "Enter" to skip to content

Coke Nail Also Helpful With Bag of Takis

INDIANAPOLIS – Local woman Kristen Wise’s pinky nail groomed specifically for the consumption of cocaine also has surprising snack-related benefits, multiple witnesses with red fingers confirm.

“This fucked-up looking fingernail is good for two things: drugs and Takis. But between you and me, eating chips that could stain Satan’s asshole without ruining my top is the most important,” Wise declared as she opened a family-size bag of purple Fuego Takis on a white couch. “My breath reeks, my guts are a disaster, and those after-lunch toot-toots are a little spicy, but I refuse to compromise on flavor, fashion, and getting discreetly fucked up in the bathroom of the Chili’s by my office.”

Coworker and party animal Alex Miller believes Wise is misrepresenting the purpose of her grooming habits.

“Kristen has never done anything harder than Flonase, dude. She grew that nail to fish Takis and Bugles out of the bottom of the bag and claimed it was for blow so everyone at work would think she’s cool instead of an idiot that shits red foam. Well, I’m not afraid to call out cultural appropriation when I see it,” Miller ranted while visibly sweating through a tank top. “Next thing you know, CVS will be telling us to roll up their receipts to snort multivitamins and the Today Show will feature segments on how to make smoothies with old razor blades. Our sacred cultural artifacts are not your props!”

Holistic healer Lori Frances offered her professional insight on Wise’s nail’s physical and mental health benefits.

“The massive amounts of sodium in Takis coupled with the paranoia and increased heart rate of cocaine surprisingly does wonders for your hair. And since Kristen snorts blow with the same fingernail she’s using for chips, she’s inhaling a bunch of palm oil which is absolutely liberating her sinuses,” Frances revealed while waving a crystal over a patient’s gunshot wound. “Besides, stimulants and salt are the only things getting most of us through the day anyway. The world is chaos, so Kristen’s choice to get high and eat chips seems like a healthy response.”

When asked to comment on the accusations of appropriation, Wise revealed she doesn’t actually speak Spanish even though she can pronounce most items on the Taco Bell menu correctly.