LOS ANGELES — Former precocious one-year-old and current convicted felon on parole Tommy Pickles, now 31, allegedly muttered to himself “a baby’s gotta do what a baby’s gotta do” before committing mail fraud, multiple sources confirmed.
“Bein’ a man means takin’ care of your sponsa-dilities,” Pickles sighed while eating dry Reptar Cereal straight from the box. “It’s real tough, let me tell ya. I thought my front tooth growin’ in was bad, but lamb-lords and eviction noodles are way worse. I started mailin’ these fake in-voyages to old people and it gets ‘em real scared, so they send me a bunch of money. I know that Blocky and Oxwinkle said you shouldn’t steal from the elderly, but it’s either this or work at the mini golf course that looks like ice cream, and that place still fucks me up.”
The entire Pickles family had noticed the stress affecting Tommy due to financial hardships and his inability to let go of the past.
“Times have definitely been hard on him,” admitted younger brother Dill, now a successful cocaine dealer in downtown LA. “I’d say his issues began when dad signed over the bankrupt toy business to him, but honestly, he’s been off ever since the ‘Wild Thornberrys’ crossover. I’ll admit I’m no Captain Blasto myself, but ripping off old folks is just dark as hell, man. He needs to get his act together.”
Before resorting to illegal activity to make ends meet, Pickles was reportedly seeing a behavioral health specialist about some of his personal problems.
“Ze problem is zat ze baby has now grown,” said Dr. Werner Lipschitz of his former patient’s condition. “Ze baby, young Thomas, is no longer a baby, but he continues to want to be one, and it has thwarted his growth. Ze other babies have all moved on: Chucky changed his name and invented ze Facebook; Phil and Lil are operating zeir very upsetting yet highly lucrative OnlyFans account. Zis young man must face ze fact zat his days of being a toddler are no more.”
Additional sources later confirmed that former Nicktoon Doug Funnie is a person of interest in the ongoing investigation into the disappearance of Patti Mayonnaise.