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Southern Drug User Refers to Every Amphetamine As “Coke”

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Southern woman and recreational drug user Darlene Abbot reportedly refers to every amphetamine or stimulant simply as “coke,” citing cultural norms and ease of conversation.

“That’s just how I was brought up. Poppers, cocaine, bennies, speed, crack… you name it. If it perks ya up, we all just call it ‘coke’ down here. I don’t really know why people want to complicate it so much. Life’s hard enough as is,” explained Abbot. “That’s just how things are in these parts, I suppose. Since before I was even a pup we ain’t had much use for all them fancy drug terms. Gets in the way of what we’re here to do: get high.”

Local drug dealer Jimmy “Slim” McGovern admitted that he experienced frustration with this particular cultural quirk after relocating from Cincinnati, Ohio last month.

“It’s so fucking confusing, man. Just the other day, I had a customer that kept telling me he needed coke. I pulled out almost everything I had to offer, and he just kept shaking his head and saying, ‘No. Coke,’” recounted an exacerbated McGovern. “It wasn’t until he pulled out an empty pill bottle that I realized the dude just wanted Adderall. Honestly, I’m probably just going to make a picture chart of all my uppers to avoid the hassle moving forward.”

Noted linguist James Clint explained that this regional phenomenon is actually quite common.

“It’s kind of like how most people have a tendency to call every tissue a ‘Kleenex.’ When cocaine first hit the South it became quite ubiquitous,” Clint stated. “As similar drugs began to hit the market, it was hard for southerners to shake the cultural impact of cocaine, leading to most stimulants and amphetamines being labeled as ‘coke.’ Me? I’m more of a ludes guy. Believe it or not, I used to think all sedatives were called ludes until I got my Master’s.”

Abbot was last seen at a local Dairy Queen where she frustrated workers by ordering a Sprite.