LOS ANGELES — Self-help book “Addicted to Success: Eight Habits of the Highly Motivated” reportedly watched helplessly today as its self-improvement lessons were completely ignored while it was used as a surface to snort cocaine, concerned sources confirmed.
“Oh come on, not the cocaine again! I’m supposed to teach you how forming good habits will help you metaphorically become addicted to success, not literally enable your drug addiction,” said the self-help book, watching in horror as white powder residue was vacuumed from his cover. “Look, I have a whole chapter on healthy behavior patterns! I swear the only time he’s actually opened my pages was during a three-day drug bender, but rather than heeding my advice he just ripped out my page about controlling your urges and rolled it up to snort ketamine off a stripper.”
Kyle Jurgen, the owner of the paperback, maintains that despite outward appearances the book has helped him more than it will ever realize.
“That book was one of the best purchases I’ve ever made—when I’m feeling unstable, it’s always given me a sturdy surface to snort coke off. When I need help opening up, I turn to the chapter about ‘visualizing your future’ to find my LSD stash. Plus it really gives the appearance that I’m working on myself when Tinder dates come over,” said Jurgen, using the book as a coaster for his beer. “I’ve recommended it to countless friends as a fantastic resource to synergize your habits and actualize success while streamlining their drug habits.”
Fellow self-help book “Subduing Your Sex Addiction: How to Tie Up Those Naughty Cravings By Learning to Go Love Yourself” also reported that it was frequently being used for purposes that went against its advice.
“You think that other book has it bad? I’m a self-help book about sex addiction, and just yesterday my owner used me as a paddle at an orgy! Honestly, what were my publishers thinking releasing me in hardcover?” said the book, trying to separate its stuck-together pages. “Plus there’s so much lube everywhere that you can’t even read my chapter on the power of platonic relationships anymore, not to mention the condom they’re using as a bookmark—I wish I could commend them for practicing safe sex, but it’s still in the wrapper.”
At press time, both self-help books were bracing for a debaucherous weekend after being placed next to each other on a coffee table.