The seedy nightclub scene has long been a staple of cinema and television, often serving as an inversion of the characters’ everyday lives—a metaphorical (and sometimes literal) underworld existing parallel to the familiar world they inhabit, where hedonistic fantasies are enacted under the influence of throbbing electronic music and various spirits and substances. Here’s a list of how easy it would be to score some Bolivian marching powder at these clubs, ranked from impossible to a sure thing.
15. Bang Bang Bar “Twin Peaks”
Look around—do you really think you’ll find a stimulant in this joint? Everyone looks like they’ve been stricken with terminal ennui. These freaks are probably strung out on some weird drug you’ve never heard of that doesn’t even make them feel good. Some little dude offers you a spoonful of some shit called garmonbozia, but you wisely pass. They do let you smoke inside, so that’s pretty dope. But none of these depressed lowlifes seem like they’d be able to help you get that 8-ball.
14. Zion Rave “The Matrix Reloaded”
Sorry, there’s no coke at this subterranean post-apocalyptic rave. Operation Dark Storm blocked the sun and killed off all vegetation on Earth—including the precious coca plant. There is a greasy white guy with dreadlocks who can jack you into the Matrix and run a cocaine simulation, but you probably don’t want to be totally checked out in case the flying squid robots show up. Better to stick with jenkem, of which the filthy future-hippies of Zion have plenty.
13. The Bada Bing “The Sopranos”
There’s lots of coke at the Bing, but probably not for a no-count mamaluke like you. The bartender would be suspicious of an outsider coming around asking for drugs, and he’d likely summon Paulie and a crew of goombahs to beat the shit out of you with pool cues. Then, they’d tie you up and Tony would slap you over and over, asking if Uncle June sent you. Sorry, you’re probably going to wind up at the bottom of the Passaic River.
12. Secret Vampire Club “Blade”
After you get led through a secret door at the back of a downtown slaughterhouse, you find yourself in the midst of a raging party filled with attractive people dancing their heads off to electronic music. Someone here has got to have some shit to sell you, right? The thing is, if you’re looking for a toot, you’re in for a bad time. Vampires actually don’t do a lot of coke since not seeing their reflection in the mirror while they snort lines tends to freak them out. Recommended attire: Some sort of ascot, scarf or other neck protection.
11. Techno Club “Robocop”
Ordinarily, buying some gack at this Eurotrash hotspot would be no problem. The clientele is generally so zooted they barely noticed that time a robot walked through the crowd and dragged some thug out by his hair. If you were unlucky enough to show up after that buzzkilling cyborg made an appearance, people would probably be too freaked out to break out the goods. Sure, there’s always yeyo to be found in Old Detroit, but the supply chain suffered a big hit after Clarence Boddicker took a data spike to the neck.
10. The Boiler Room “Hellraiser III”
Judging by the hordes of scumbags in attendance, it’ll be no problem to find someone to sell to you here, but it’s wise to buy your bag quickly and split. The decor—including a blindfolded baby doll in a ring of barbed wire—leaves something to be desired. Besides, there’s always the chance that Pinhead could show up again and start stabbing people in the head with poorly rendered CG ice daggers or shooting his chains and hooks all over the place.
9. The Peach Pit After Dark “Beverly Hills 90210”
Even though the nocturnal incarnation of The Peach Pit hosted some cool bands like The Cramps and Flaming Lips, the drug landscape there was pretty lame. Kelly was fond of nose candy for a little while, but she’s since gone to rehab and cleaned up. The only one among the uptight 90210 crew that really parties is David, though he famously favors meth. He might offer to hook you up with some flake, but he’s the type of scumbag who would take your money and never come back, leaving you broke and jonesing.
8. Malibu Club “Grand Theft Auto Vice City”
You’d be right to think that a club in a Miami-like city in the ’80s would be overflowing with booger sugar—however, the vibe around here is a bit off-putting. There never seems to be more than a handful of listless, stiffly dancing, vacant-eyed dullards in this huge joint. The whole atmosphere is pretty lame, in fact. Several of the patrons are probably holding, but even the idea of navigating a transaction with one of these blocky dorks is exhausting.
7. The Gold Room “The Shining”
You’ll need to go mad enough from cabin fever to pierce the veil between this world and the one beyond if you want to rub elbows with the ghostly revelers at their 1921 July 4th soirée. Cocaine was still technically legal then, but you would mainly find it in soft drinks and elixirs, and you’d probably get a belly ache from drinking all that stuff before you actually got blitzed. However, people are saying the guy in the bear costume is slinging, so you should probably try to party with that dude.
6. Industrial Club “The Crow”
Yup, there’s coke here. You think you’re going to get all those goths to dance like that to My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult without a little pharmaceutical enhancement? You try lacing up 20-eye Docs sober. The real action is in the penthouse, of course, where Top Dollar rules his criminal empire, though you’d better hope you’re a bullet-proof goth ghost if you accidentally interrupt the annual crime boss social while you’re looking for the bathroom.
5. Korova Milkbar “A Clockwork Orange”
It figures you’d be wearing a Hawaiian shirt the night you decide to check out this club where the dress code seems to be white jumpsuits and codpieces. Though they specialize in vellocet and synthemesc milks, the bartender is willing to make you one laced with cocaine instead. You tip generously and take a seat, feeling the gaze of a mascara-wearing gang of blokes in bowler hats. You’re surprised when the one comes over and invites you out with them for a night of “ultraviolence”, but hey, when in Rome, right?
4. Iceberg Lounge “The Batman”
It’s probably not a good idea to try and score while Batman is actively busting skulls in the Penguin’s hangout. However, it is a bad guy club in Gotham City, so of course there’s abundant polvo to be had here once the dust has settled. Don’t be surprised if you spot Bruce Wayne blowing some rails in the bathroom later on—he’s very dedicated to keeping up his authentic millionaire playboy appearance.
3. The Foot Clan Hideout “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”
When you read all the glowing reviews of this place online, you just had to come check it out. Too bad no one mentioned it’s less of a nightclub and more of a hangout for at-risk youth. That being said, it is a pretty cool joint. There are arcade games, a skateboard ramp, gambling and kids shooting pool and slinging cigs. Granted, it feels a little weird to be buying a bag from a seventh grader, but any port in a storm as they say.
2. Mos Eisley Cantina “Star Wars”
There are a bunch of fucked up looking aliens in this wretched hive of scum and villainy, but no one that really seems like they’d have what you’re after. But wait, there’s Han Solo, infamous galactic smuggler! Don’t act all surprised that Han is the galaxy’s go-to guy for coke—what exactly did you think he was smuggling all this time? Counterfeit Gucci bags? There’s so much snow in the Falcon’s secret compartment it looks like Hoth in there.
1. Tech Noir “The Terminator”
Now we’re talkin’. This place is teeming with minor league dealers in Members Only jackets with little ponytails. Just ask anyone—they’ll hook you up and you’ll be hitting the slopes in no time. Sure, once a time-traveling cyborg showed up and murdered dozens of people. Big deal! The chance of being killed in a mass shooting is a risk every American takes just leaving the house these days. Besides, they say lightning never strikes the same place twice, so you’re probably extra safe there.