HARRISON, N.Y. — Executives at PepsiCo announced the launch of a new beverage called Pepsi Boneless which they hope will break through the discerning Gen Z consumer demographic, confirmed disturbed sources in attendance at a press conference held yesterday by the industry giant.
“Here at PepsiCo, we’re always trying to evolve along with our consumers,” said PepsiCo Vice President Glenn Anderson moments before product launch. “We’ve listened to thousands of focus groups, and they’re all saying the same thing. The message of the American public is loud and clear: no bones! Bones are inedible, they’re unnecessary, and they remind you of little skeletons. They are spooky and they belong in the graveyard. That’s why we’re delighted to bring you a thrilling new alternative in the soft drink market: Pepsi Boneless!”
Although PepsiCo claims to have spent millions on research and development, many have reacted to the news with confusion and unease.
“It’s fucking gross,” explained Zach Derwin, a 35-year-old electrician who describes himself as a frequent Pepsi drinker. “Boneless chicken wings are one thing, but this announcement is just freaking me out. Literally no one was asking for this. Not only will I never try Pepsi Boneless, but it has me thinking that I don’t want to drink any Pepsi products anymore. Did the FDA force them to do this or something? I mean, are they saying that regular Pepsi has bones in it? This might be just the sign I need to make the switch to Coca-Cola products. Always wanted to try their new limited edition Oven-Roasted Coke.”
Despite these vocal concerns from consumers, retail experts expect other companies to make similar announcements in the coming months.
“This is going to be like the Flamin’ Hot trend all over again,” noted retail analyst Alana Robinson. “You’re going to see all of the major snack and beverage companies jumping on the boneless bandwagon to try and cash in on this exciting new market craze. For example, I’ve already heard that this fall we’ll be seeing the release of Oscar Meyer Boneless Hot Dogs and Boneless Tropical Skittles. Dasani supposedly has something in the works, too.”
As of press time, PepsiCo announced an expansion to their breakfast offerings with Hairless Quaker Oats which is expected to pair well with their new beverage line called 2% Pepsi.