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Crust Punk Candidate Vows to Decrease Jobs

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Crust-punk presidential candidate Leo “Swamp” Marsh revealed plans today to slash employment opportunities during an impassioned campaign speech held in vacant hotel…

Crust Punk Dog Forced to Put Owner Down

AUSTIN, Texas — A crust punk dog was forced to terminate his owner last week after the owner contracted a sudden illness that quickly spiraled…

Crust Punk Dragged Off Overbooked Freight Train

EL PASO, Texas — An unnamed crust punk was violently dragged off an overbooked Union Pacific boxcar earlier today, sparking outrage within the traveler community. “Two…

Crust Punk Hops Train to Parents’ Lake House

MINNEAPOLIS — Local crust punk Chris Spencer gathered his belongings early Wednesday morning from the Trash Compactor, a Northeast Minneapolis punk squat, and left by…