PROVIDENCE, R.I — Local crust punk Phil “Sponge” Baker is planning on participating in today’s economic blackout by vowing to only use his parents’ credit…
PITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Eric Gorski reportedly entered the stage of his life in which he only listens to Hank Williams, sources report. “Yeah,…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Crust Punk Jonas “Spleege” Johnson was recently released from county jail after explaining to authorities he was only siphoning that gas…
AKRON, Ohio — Progressive-minded, but very smelly, children across the world woke up to gifts from Crust Punk Santa who enters family homes via the…
HAMELIN, Germany — Local residents awoke to the horrifying sight of thousands of filthy rats being led back into the center of town by the…
BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Local crust punk Zachary Kaiser was seen asking patrons on the patio of Inkwell Cafe if they were planning on eating their…
TUCSON, Ariz. — Local interior designer Sara “Slime” Gonzales gave Maggot House a much-needed makeover after convincing its residents to expand their floor plan by…
PITTSBURGH — The parents of local punk Donny “Kebab” Babcock fitted their son with a special studded cone around his neck to prevent him from…
NEW YORK – Local punk Chris Lanning was recently caught in the embarrassing act of cutting both an all-beef frank and blow with the same…
PITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Connor Thompson openly rejects the use of normal paper coffee filters and instead uses a dingy, faded Discharge patch off…
WASHINGTON — Abaddon the Destroyer, an immortal demon from the deepest depths of hell, begged an exorcist to free him from the body of the…
So the long nights of partying, getting wasted, and 2 am Taco Bell have taken a toll on your aging, squishy body. You figured it’s…
ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Local crust punk Lou “Canker Sore” Schultz revised his bucket list to include getting a disease named after him in an…
SALEM, Mass. — Local flea market patron Harold Barnes met a genie who asked if it could bum three wishes off him after he rubbed…
MEDFORD, Mass. — The basement practice space at 234 Syrup Street is reportedly overrun by enough Aspergillus fumigatus to dampen sound, thanks to leaky water…