NEW YORK — Local crust punk Phil “Rat Face” Howland took creative measures last week to turn his uneven beard into a stronger representation of…
DALLAS — Ricardo “the Scuzz” Garza tripled his net worth last night when he found a half of a pack of cigarettes on a venue…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Crust-punk presidential candidate Leo “Swamp” Marsh revealed plans today to slash employment opportunities during an impassioned campaign speech held in vacant hotel…
TACOMA, Wash. — The residents of the “Scab Lab” crust punk house were evacuated last night in response to an anonymous bath bomb threat, according…
RICHMOND, Va. — Local crust-punk Richard Andre married his roommate Morgan Atwell yesterday in a romantic ceremony in which he passed his contagious ringworm infection…
HOUSTON — Local crust punk Shiloh Waters is still feverishly searching for a potential sitter for his beloved bedbugs while he is away on tour,…
AUSTIN, Texas — A crust punk dog was forced to terminate his owner last week after the owner contracted a sudden illness that quickly spiraled…
WASHINGTON — Scientists have confirmed that the current nationwide dumpster fire is adversely affecting the national crust punk population, according to a new study conducted…
BOULDER, Colo. — Local crustie Dylan Waters was asked to hold his pose for “just a little bit longer” while a portrait artist added the…
GUILFORD, Conn. — Folk-punk legend Ol’ Tom Tassy, rumored to stand 180 feet tall and use a modified train car as a guitar, was allegedly…
EL PASO, Texas — An unnamed crust punk was violently dragged off an overbooked Union Pacific boxcar earlier today, sparking outrage within the traveler community. “Two…
BALTIMORE — Local crust punk and self-proclaimed gentleman Jason Kirkby laid his Capitalist Casualties butt flap over a puddle last night to protect his date,…
CHICAGO — Prominent crust-futurist Mark “Musky” Long gave a brief press conference today to promise a crust punk will squat on abandoned property on Mars by…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local crust punk Chris Spencer gathered his belongings early Wednesday morning from the Trash Compactor, a Northeast Minneapolis punk squat, and left by…
TOLEDO, Ohio — Attendees of last night’s house show at local DIY spot House Madness reportedly had “a great time” despite the live music and…