AKRON, Ohio — Progressive-minded, but very smelly, children across the world woke up to gifts from Crust Punk Santa who enters family homes via the garbage disposal on Christmas Eve, eschewing traditional chimney routes.
“I’m fuckin’ stoked, man. Another year of bringing loosies, local zines and band pins to kids across the world,” replied Crust Punk Santa while fixing a broken amp. “I’m like the original DIY Santa. No one was on the scene before me, it’s a fuckin’ fact man. Everyone asks how I do it, I get that question all the time. It’s easy: I basically shred myself in the drainpipe and re-assemble myself in the sink. Kids get pretty freaked out when they see it, but we all need trauma in our life. Plus there’s usually some tasty leftovers in that garbage disposal so sometimes I get a free meal, know what I mean? These families are throwing away gold.”
5th grader Sara Lorraine Quigley of Harris-Jackson Elementary School shared her holiday experience seeing Crust Punk Santa last year.
“It was super scary. He had a mohawk and tons of patches on a camouflage jacket. The spikes on his belt left scratches on the metal sink that we’re still trying to get rid of,” Quigley shared from the jungle gym at recess. “He basically wandered around the kitchen looking for food and drank a bunch of PBRs my dad left in the fridge. That was especially rude since we left out Slim Jims and a Red Bull for him, per tradition. And then he left us a few gifts in a crumpled plastic bag on the floor. My gift was a cracked Driller Killer vinyl and a sweaty handkerchief. My brother got a plastic ashtray with a hand-drawn anarchy ‘A’ symbol, which I’m pretty jealous about.”
Scholar Jordan K. Dunne weighed in on the mythological origins of Crust Punk Santa.
“I’ve spent my entire career studying Christmas, diving into holiday mythos during all other eleven months of the year,” shared Dunne from his Christmas-themed office at the University of Akron. “It hasn’t always been milk and cookies, no sir! Studying ancient texts, we find that analogous figures to Crust Punk Santa appear throughout history. There was the festive ‘Bubonic Plague Santa’ who would enter hidden behind houseguests, plus an even older Santa famous for hiding in latrines or outhouses. In fact, some of our earliest holiday oral traditions center on allegories warning of ‘Shithouse Santa.’”
At press time, Crust Punk Santa is proudly displaying his new “sled,” which is a dumpster on wheels pulled by a scruffy senior dog that hates everyone.