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Punk Pied Piper Marches Army of Rats Right Back Into Town

HAMELIN, Germany — Local residents awoke to the horrifying sight of thousands of filthy rats being led back into the center of town by the Punk Pied Piper, according to skeeved out sources looking for a new place to live.

“When I heard that the mayor hired someone to drive out all these adorable critters, I had to act,” said the Punk Piper as he sat absolutely covered in rodent shit. “The only reason I moved here was because I heard it was infested with my favorite vermin, then the next thing I know some clown in a striped cape playing a dumbass flute is leading them down to the Weser River to drown. Fortunately that’s where I was squatting, so I was able to ambush him and march these furry little kings and queens right back in. Anyone who doesn’t like it can play my skin flute.”

Johann Berkin, the Mayor of Hamelin gave his notably less positive side of the story.

“That disgusting punk ruined everything,” said Berkin. “We already had a great arrangement with the previous Piper who rid this town of that nasty plague, then as a bonus came back and took those annoying children too. Now I’m mayor of a town with the worst rat infestation in the entire Bavarian Kingdom, and my political career is toast. The water supply has been tainted, the crops are diseased, and the foundation to half the homes have been gnawed away. And I don’t even think the rats are responsible for that last one.”

Folklore expert Dr. Maya Reeves described the forgotten influence of punk characters in classic legends and fairy tales.

“Punk culture in popular fables is more common than people realize,” explained Reeves. “Originally Snow White had eight Dwarfs, the eighth being a crooked little shit who would steal everyone’s possessions when they slept so he could buy psychedelic mushrooms in the Haunted Forest. And in an early edition of Cinderella, there was a young punk suitor vying for her affection, but instead of trying to find the right glass slipper to fit her, he just wanted to smell her feet. You can see why this version never really hit home with parents, and it was eventually scrubbed from our collective memories, as it should be.”

At press time, the Punk Piper had passed away at the ripe old age of twenty-one from numerous illnesses after his body was found being ravaged by hordes of hungry rats.