PITTSBURGH — The parents of local punk Donny “Kebab” Babcock fitted their son with a special studded cone around his neck to prevent him from licking off his monthly flea treatment, amused sources confirmed.
“We figured if we put the medicine right under his rat tail and there would be no way he could get to it, but sure enough, he cranes his neck and flaps his tongue around, and licks the stuff off in two seconds,” said Babcock’s mother Carrie-Ann. “We finally found him a cone he will actually wear and it’s been a lifesaver. It does have its downsides, though. He doesn’t have good body awareness and the cone has knocked over a few lamps, and when he eats he gets food in the damn thing and I end up having to wash it off with the hose in our backyard.”
Babcock believes the cone is unnecessary and assured his parents that he will stop interfering with this parasite medicine.
“I can’t fucking figure out how the straps work that keep it secured and I look like an idiot. I tried looking in the mirror but I just ended up confused. And I tightened the thing to the point I can barely breathe. It’s nearly impossible to smoke a cigarette unless my mom loosens it again,” said the bug-infested punk. “I keep telling them that they could just start using flea medicine that doesn’t taste as good and I’d stop messing with it. But the Frontline that they use has the delicious taste of battery acid and burnt plastic that I love. If they made it peach-flavored or something then I wouldn’t go near it.”
Doctors who specialize in treating punks say cones are just one of the many methods parents can use to deter their dirty children from obstructing treatments.
“Cones are always a great option, but if your punk has a leg wound they might still be able to lick at it even with a cone on, your best bet is to cover the wound with a pair of tight jeans. Just make sure you have a clean gauze pad over the wound,” said Dr. Mitra Reddy. “Also, one solid option is giving them calming drugs. They fucking love taking drugs. Every punk I know will just consume whatever I give them without asking questions. Sedating a punk is extremely easy, since they always want to be as fucked up as possible.”
At press time, Babcock was rewarded for his good behavior with his favorite pack of cigarettes covered in peanut butter.