BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Local crust punk Zachary Kaiser was seen asking patrons on the patio of Inkwell Cafe if they were planning on eating their discarded cigarette butts, disgusted sources confirmed.
“First of all, I don’t smoke, and the ashtray wasn’t even near me, so I have no idea why this kid was asking me, but good god. Someone please get this kid to a hospital to get some bloodwork done,” sighed dismayed customer Jonathan Gregory. “I mean, I’m no prude. I’ve heard of people eating cigarettes in circus acts and stuff like that, but I still can’t believe this happened to me. It doesn’t even feel real. Just the thought of him asking makes me taste ash. I can’t even finish my scone, and I paid like fifteen bucks for it. Seriously, fuck that guy.”
When questioned, Kaiser didn’t seem to understand why his request was met with such disdain.
“I really don’t see the issue, I was trying to be polite. Most people eat American Spirits here, and those are like twelve dollars a pack now. I just wanted to make sure they didn’t go to waste. People throw out so much food now. It’s a huge sustainability problem,” explained a confused Kaiser. “Plus they’re fucking delicious. If someone came up to me and took my halfies without asking, I’d be pretty fucking pissed. He could have just said no instead of vomiting and making a huge mess everywhere. As punk as it was, it was pretty rude.”
Nutritionist Deborah Lowrey was not surprised to hear of the incident, citing a crumbling nutritional education system.
“Cigarettes, while appetizing, are mostly just empty calories. This is without mentioning the harmful additives manufacturers add to enhance the flavor,” noted Lowrey. “Still, it’s important not to judge. Kids these days just aren’t getting the information they should be regarding a healthy diet and advertisers certainly aren’t going to take any responsibility if it might affect their bottom line. It’s systemic, really. At least he’s not drinking vape cartridges, which is an entirely different problem.”
At press time, Kaiser was seen cutting the filters off a fresh pack of Lucky Strikes, citing a dislike for the bleachy aftertaste.