SEATTLE — Multinational coffeehouse chain Starbucks rolled out a new seasonal offering to increase their market dominance of fall flavors with their new Wet Leaves Latte, excited sources confirmed.
“Our customers have spoken and they want more flavors to remind them the only time they are ever happy is during autumn,” explained Starbucks Chief Marketing Officer Marianne Jamieson, stirring a Wet Leaves Macchiato. “To thank them for their support year after year, we are introducing exclusive items that no other chain would touch. You know that special earthy smell after the rain or the musty autumnal smell of wet wood, soil, and bugs? Now you can take it on the go so you can start every day thinking ‘I could use a sweater.’ We are bringing the whole 360-degree seasonal experience to your senses. Imagine a pile of leaves on a crisp October day, and now imagine falling into that pile with your mouth wide open.”
Reactions at Starbucks locations have been mixed, Tacoma employee Rodney Comstock spoke out against the menu addition.
“It’s such a freakin’ hassle, man. We run out of Wet Leaves mix at least twice a week and my manager expects me to grab a rake in order to get more flavoring from a field down the street,” said Comstock, while grinding a handful of leaves. “I was working the morning shift when the Fall menu came back and people started streaming in to try the new drink. I still have PTSD, ya know? We had customers banging on the windows, and barricading the back door with a dumpster. I feared for my life.”
Starbucks product developers admit they are particularly proud of their latest creation.
“I like to think of myself as an artist, perhaps a translator. I interpret the essence of fall and whisper these secrets to your taste buds,” shared Dr. Fern Larsen of the Starbucks Flavor Innovation Lab. “The Wet Leaves line was a joy to create, identifying flavor notes of fungal dirt and trampled grass. I’m particularly excited for next year when we debut our Hay-Flavored line. Hay Cappuccino, Hay Espresso, and even the Hay Americano, which my mentors considered impossible to accomplish. I like to source out initial flavor profiles myself. Personally, hands-on. This means picking up only 100% organic matter during my long muddy walks, or just rifling through my neighbor’s gutter.”
At press time, Starbucks hinted they might finally release the much-rumored Frozen Rat Flat White, while bringing back the beloved Brackish Puddle Frappuccino this winter.