LOS ANGELES — Concert-goers at the legendary Smoking Barrel recently learned that the club has never had to refill the contents of its bathroom soap dispensers since it was established, grossed-out sources confirmed.
“I’ve been running the Barrel for a little over 35 years now, so naturally there has been a considerable amount of upkeep needed to keep it running,” bar owner George Winston stated. “I’ve had to replace five bathroom stall doors, seven clogged toilets, two stages, countless smashed waste baskets, nine sinks, fixed about 20 light fixtures, and plugged at least three glory holes. Yet never once has anyone ever touched the soap dispenser. I guess it’s punk to not wash your hands or something and it’s gross to think about. But hey, that’s less I gotta do.”
Suzy Randolf, a local who frequents Sunday matinee punk shows at the Barrel, talked about her experiences with the venue’s lavatory.
“This entire time, I never even realized there was soap in those abominations,” Randolf said while sitting at the bar. “As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve even dared to use those bathrooms. Having to walk by them to get to the pit area is torture enough. Whenever I need to go, I head over to the 7 Eleven across the street. Not only do they have immaculate restrooms, but I can grab a bag of Doritos and a 40oz to have in the alleyway while waiting for the openers to finish their sets.”
Dr. Muhammad Shamir, a specialist in germ studies, provided examples of other important hygiene practices typically ignored at shows.
“Sadly, as fun as concerts are to attend, they can also essentially be petri dishes of disease,” Dr. Shamir explained while grimacing. “For example, hardcore singers tend to snot-rocket right on stage instead of using a tissue. Although this looks very tough and cool, it most certainly is irresponsible from a contagion standpoint. This is just one of many examples of punks disregarding the importance of hygiene.”
At press time, the sound guy working was seen walking out of the restroom and headed straight to the stage to start handling the microphone equipment.