SEATTLE — Conveniently opportunistic “cash only” bar Zoo Tavern allegedly also has an abnormally high $7 ATM fee, patrons who immediately left for a more…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Lifelong Democrat Hunter Matthew Sullivanor asked a ballot station attendee today if they had any larger “I Voted” stickers in the back…
CONSHOHOCKEN, Pa. — Local black metal band Nocturnal Defacement announced their public support yesterday for the “greater of two evils” in the upcoming presidential election,…
CHICAGO — Historically undecided voter Gunther Wexler waited eight grueling hours yesterday to cast a “protest” vote for Harambe, the gorilla who was infamously murdered…
Fellas. Have you ever been in a situation where she just wasn’t feeling your flirtatious advances? Me neither. Evidently, it’s because I completely misinterpret every…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A belligerent swarm of locusts unexpectedly stormed the presidential debate stage on Thursday landing directly on Donald Trump’s head and remaining there…
As card-carrying Democrats, it’s important that we always take the moral high ground in response to our opposition’s reprehensible actions. We must not sink to…
Your typical video game mascot will tell you right away in their name if they are an animal. For starters, there’s Sonic the Hedgehog, Ecco…
BOSTON — Local straight edger Pete Westpan is generally apathetic about National Edge Day falling on a Saturday this year, witnesses who thought he’d be…
As we’ve all learned first hand from our uncles at any family function, alcohol can have a devastating effect on the human mind and body.…
Time to take a fucking stand, people. You are either a dog person: loyal, social, and agreeable. Or you are a cat person: independent, reserved,…
ZZ Top are well known for their slew of hits that my uncle listens to when checking out Harley Davidson prices online despite not having…
HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. — Self-described “emo kid” and 40-year-old elementary school teacher Tucker Grating reminded his class today that when spelling certain words, it’s helpful to…
A gender reveal party is an excellent way to make it known that you are expecting newborn attention online. Look no further than the incredibly…
Journalism is all about specificity. So when it came time to analyze Nine Inch Nails’ ’90s love anthem “Closer,” we took a deep dive into…